An American Girl in Canada

Life seems to be a delicate balance right now. I waver between desperately wanting to meet our baby and panicking about taking care of the little one. I wonder about those moments in the week after the birth and look forward to snuggling, feeding, and just reveling in the awe of being a new parent. In the very next moment, I am wondering how Kev and I will handle it no longer being just us. Even the other day another reality hit me squarely. I was talking with Seren and she was saying how it was funny that we have spent so much of this pregnancy praying for this little baby to stay put, and now we are wishing for it to make its arrival! That was probably the one that threw me the most.

The first half of this pregnancy I was constantly praying for this baby to just keep developing, praying that my body wouldn't reject the baby, asking God to help this little one to stay put. I think I was probably more cautious than the average first time mom. I refused to carry anything even remotely heavy because I didn't want to cause the placenta to separate. I had many thoughts of loss due to something I did running through my mind, even though I know that it wasn't actually my fault that I lost the first two. I guess you never really get over the idea that there must have been something you did...no matter how many doctors tell you it wasn't your fault. So, on I went...with my amazing husband supporting me, as well as many friends and family. I remember on our vacation to the Caribbean between Kevin and Serenity I think I wasn't even allowed to lift my carry on suitcase!

I was thankful to get to the point where I was able to work out more consistently again, because my body really does enjoy that, but I don't think I realized until yesterday how I was even taking it easy there. Our doctor told us yesterday that I should be taking long walks. I have been swimming a lot for exercise, which helps my body, but doesn't necessarily move the baby down the canal. So, off I went for a LONG walk. I pushed myself and it felt good. I realized, yet again, how even when going for walks before I had probably been taking it easier than I had to. My mind has now wrapped around the idea, however, that if I walk and push myself and it sends me into labour, that's okay! It's now OKAY for this baby to be born!! That's a strange concept to grasp.

Another thing that I'm having trouble with is wondering if it is okay to be ready to have my body back. Throughout this entire pregnancy I have just been thankful! Thankful to be feeling sick or tired because it means that things are still progressing. Thankful for seeing the belly grow because it means that the baby is growing. Thankful for every single kick or wiggle, even the ones that hurt, because they mean that my baby is moving! I am still thankful for those kicks and wiggles, and I think that I will even miss them. However, I'm ready to be able to bend over and pick up something I dropped on the floor without feeling like it's a huge production. I get frustrated with that, but then the minute I get frustrated I feel bad because I remember thinking I would be GRATEFUL to not be able to bend over when I was not pregnant. I am still extremely conscious of the women that are struggling to get pregnant, I think perhaps I always will be, but I also wonder if it is okay for me to be ready to be done with this stage? I really want us to meet this baby! I'm excited to see if the baby has hair or not. Will the baby have my eyes or Kevin's? Will the baby be small or large? Will it have lots of fat rolls or be skinny? I just want to see this child, and hold it in my arms, and watch Kevin as he holds it. I think that is more what is behind the impatience and anticipation than anything else.

I have never been a patient person by nature. I am patient and loving with my friends, but when it comes to things like waiting to go home for Christmas, waiting for my wedding day to arrive, and now waiting for baby to arrive, patience is not my strongest virtue. Kevin has laughed about this and informed me that due to that impatience we are definitely going to have a late arrival. I know he is right. I must wait.

I don't really know what to do with all of these conflicting emotions. I have been pretty good throughout most of the pregnancy. Kevin has praised the fact that I have not taken out many frustrations on him. I haven't been SUPER emotional...although I do find myself crying more easily. I have not wished it away, but tried to be thankful for every moment. Now however? I'm just ready. I'm ready to not have people constantly asking me how I am doing, but rather to have them be looking at the baby and oohing and ahhing. I'm ready to put the bassinet that has been set up in our room for a few weeks to use. I'm ready to sing to my baby, to pray with my baby, and to enjoy learning new things with Kevin as we go through the journey of parenthood together. I'm ready...but, I will wait.