I have officially decided what one of my biggest parent related pet peeves is. Sunshine Morningstar has been posting about her pet peeves and good things lately and it has me thinking. One of my biggest mothering pet peeves is the comparison game that mothers play. One of the biggest comparisons deals with sleeping.
Yesterday I was talking with a very good friend about baby sleep issues. She was saying how it surprised her how much various people in her life comment on her son's sleep patterns. As I listened to her talk, I realized that I have the same issue. Why is it that everyone is obsessed with how a baby sleeps? Why is it this amazing thing when they sleep through the night? I mean, I get it, I really do. For the parents, it's a big deal because they are finally getting the sleep that they have been craving since the baby was born, but why is such an emphasis placed on this?I really don't know that it has anything to do with how the parent "parents." Does that make any sense? I hate that I feel guilty and like a terrible mom when Rusty isn't sleeping through the night. I hate that I was hesitant to talk about his sleeping patterns for the first six months of his life because he was still waking up a few times a night. I hate that everyone has a different "definition" of what sleeping through the night is, and then when they tell you that their baby is sleeping through the night you feel like crap about yourself because your baby isn't, when in reality their sleeping through the night may be something as simple as sleeping from 12-5 in the morning! I hate that one of the first questions that most people ask you regarding your baby is, "So, is he sleeping through the night yet?" Well, no. No he isn't. But can I please tell you about how he just started smiling and it lights up my entire life? Can I tell you about how he sticks his tongue out when his dad does it and it is so adorable? Can I tell you about how he started sitting up on his own? Can I tell you about how he loves it when I am holding him and his dad rushes at him and it makes him giggle? Can I tell you about how he laughs and giggles in delight every single time I take him up or down a flight of stairs? All of these are things that have delighted us in the journey of Rusty's first seven months, but it seems that people simply want to know one thing, "Is he sleeping through the night?"
Rusty is not sleeping through the night currently, which is maybe why this is so present on my mind. He was, and he was doing a great job, but for some reason lately he has decided that he needs to wake up a few times in the night, and he needs to see me to go back to sleep. It's really interesting...he wakes up, and if I go right in, soothe him, and feed him for about 3-5 minutes, he goes right back to sleep. It all takes less than 10 or 15 minutes. However, if I ignore that he is awake and he starts crying, it just gets louder and louder. He doesn't go back to sleep. I know, everyone says just leave them and they will fall back to sleep...not Rusty! It seems like he has inherited my husband's determined attitude and my strong will.
Honestly? The fact that he is waking up right now doesn't really bother me that much. Yes, I am more tired the next day, but not so tired that I can't function. I'm still getting almost 7 hours of sleep each night, I'm just waking up for fifteen minute increments twice a night. It's not that bad, really. Especially considering I have an amazing husband that jumps right out of bed at 7 in the morning to get Rusty and play with him until 8 so I get an extra hour of sleep. I also have a few great friends-you guys know who you are-that I feel that I can talk to about the sleeping patterns and they aren't judging me or making me feel like I'm a crappy mom just because he's not sleeping. Instead, they try to help me think of why there is this sudden change, and they offer up solutions. I don't want this advice from just anyone. They are the ones that I go to because I like the way they parent. I think their kids are well adjusted, happy, even thriving! I think that I go to them probably because they are the most real about things.
I don't really think this non sleeping phase is affecting Rusty that much either. He is still napping and he's not seeming extra tired. Is it teething? Maybe. Is it the fact that he just learned to crawl and wakes up to "practice?" Maybe. Whatever it is, I don't really care, what truly bothers me is the guilt I feel when I have to tell someone that asks that no, he's not sleeping through the night and have them look at me with that "I wonder why" look in their eyes.
The same friend that I had the conversation with yesterday told me something many, many months ago that has stuck with me and become my mantra in times like this. One day she turned to me and said, "Stacy, I always remind myself, it's not like my son will someday be 15 and waking up three times in the night asking for me to come into his room and feed him. This too truly will pass!" Those words helped me more than she knew. The last couple of nights as Rusty has woken up at various times of the night I have repeated that mantra to myself. As I do so, it causes something within me to change...I sit and CHERISH the moments I get to hold him as he sleeps. I realize that they are fleeting moments. There is only so long in a mother's life when she can snuggle her little boy close to her and breathe in his scent. I will not forever be able to hold him in my arms and rock him back and forth. Even now he is growing up. He is not content to sit in our laps and snuggle for long. He wants to GO! He wants to MOVE! He wants to practice this new skill of crawling that he has figured out!
What am I trying to say? I'm not really sure. I guess I'm trying to say, give yourselves a break moms. Those of you that have the babies that magically sleep through the night at 2 months? I am happy for you, really I am, but I am not able to have that be the main topic of conversation. I think that some babies are born sleepers. Some are not. Some can be sleep trained, for some it is a bit more difficult. Everyone has their different methods. Some parents put their babies in the crib from day one, some like to have their babies in bed with them. Some parents like to have their babies fall asleep in the swing, some even take their babies for a car ride, or rock them to sleep. Is any of this wrong? No! Is one method better than another? Not really. I say we let them sleep however it works, we don't compare how our babies are sleeping, and we just celebrate and enjoy the special moments we have with our babies, whether they are sleeping or wide eyed and awake.
Little Rusty in his early sleeping days...aw, he could sleep anywhere those days!
I know what you mean. Right after birth, it was the "did you have an epidural" question that bothered me. Why, yes I had all the drugs they offered me! Should that make me feel inadequate as a new mom? That's how it felt though!
ReplyDeleteThen, it was the "how's he eating" question that got to me. But it's because I had huge issues with breastfeeding. The sleeping, eating (and probably more) questions seem to be the first people ask. But in hindsight, I think people ask just as a conversation starter. But because we ARE so hard on ourselves, we feel judged.
I agree, we need to take it easier on ourselves and realize that those little smiles and hugs and kisses we get from our kiddies are proof that we're doing a good job. Cuz their health and happiness is all that matters.
I understand where you are coming from on wanting to compare and use it as "who's a better parent?" I don't like that either.
ReplyDeleteHowever, on the issue of sleep, I know 2 of my good friends that are still having sleeping problems with their 3 YEAR OLDS! That's a lot of nights to be dreading bed time. It does have to be taught from the beginning and made into a routine.
However, yes, let's support each other on it and not use it to "get" each other.
I hear you on the routine, Tami, but sometimes routine doesn't work. We have had a routine with Rusty from the start...specific bed times and a bath, book, etc before hand. Usually it works but there are phases that he goes through-such as now-where he doesn't sleep. We have figured out since I wrote the post that it is due to teething, but when you are in the middle of it, it can really make you feel awful. You are doing everything right, routine, etc, and it's just not working. It can be pretty easy to be hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteAnother mommy said to me she'd never been asked in a job interview how long it took to get her son to sleep through the night, wean or potty train. Mommies all have the same position, so I'm not sure why we are always competing for that promotion. There is definitely NO pay-raise. But, the benefits are amazing regardless :)
ReplyDeleteWe are all just looking for validation, yet somehow us women have lost faith in each other...instead of support we get our backs up. My son NEVER slept "through the night" and I would just tell people point blank. "Nope. Not at all. Why do you ask?". Its funny how that leaves people speechless. Mostly I just did that to other people I knew weren't parents. Because how they feel they can give advice I'll never understand. Blog about that next!