Random Ramblings of My Mind

I've been struggling lately. I find that the thought of going back to work is heavy on my mind. I always thought it would be an easy choice. I LOVE teaching, I LOVE my job, and I thought I would be excited to go back to work...and I am, sort of. I guess I didn't realize how great it would be to be home with my little munchkin all day long. Don't get me wrong, some times it can be tough, and I can honestly say that if I had gone back to work when he was just a few months old, rather than a year, I think it might have been easier in a way.

I know, it sounds strange, but I find that the older Rusty gets, the more fun he is! We have such a great time together! I love going for walks with him, or meeting up with other moms to do something enjoyable, or even just sitting on the floor playing with him while we listen to music. He is so responsive now, and so funny! The kid loves to smile and laugh, and I love playing little games with him.

Going back to work has entered my mind lately, because it has to. We have some big choices to make, one of which might end up with me being a stay at home mom after all if something doesn't work out the way that we hope it will. As much as I would enjoy that, I don't really think it is the best option overall for our family right now-and I'm sure that comment I just made will bring some comments from the stay at home mom enthusiasts. I get where you're coming from, really, I do, but for us, it's not necessarily the right thing right now. Anway, I feel unsettled and have been worrying over it a lot. I hate that. I want to just enjoy these last five months of mat leave and not feel like they are a countdown. How do I do that, though, when there is so much to do and figure out for next year?

This year has been a good one though, and aside from the normal things that I would be thankful for and love, such as the time with my munchkin, the kisses, seeing the little one sleep peacefully, I have a few others that surprised me!

A few things I am thankful for:

• I'm SO thankful that I have had this full year to stay home with Rusty. What an incredible blessing it has been! I love being my son's primary caregiver. I love spending the days with him. I have never taken it for granted.
• I am thankful for the friends I made that I didn't know I would make! You guys know who you are, but two that I was incredibly surprised to find myself becoming close to were Stef and Laura. You two have become great friends to me, and your little munchkins are great as well. I am happy that we have been able to spend time together and get to know one another! It's been a good year! Laura, our walks at various places are always awesome, and I think little Rusty has a crush on your Sweetpea. I love our conversations about God, life, and motherhood. Your grace and faith challenges me every time I see you. Stef, you bring sanity to my life and answer the questions that I am embarrassed to ask everyone else. Every time I am worried about something or wondering if I'm doing it right you put those worries at ease by giving me honest answers. You make me feel like a better mom simply by being a friend that understands and NEVER EVER judges! Thanks friends!
• I am thankful for the suite we moved to. It has been perfect for this year. I love waking up and having LIGHT in my house, no matter how dreary the day is. I love all of the storage we have...babies bring a lot of STUFF into your life. I love that I know my neighbors on all sides and actually have conversations with them in the driveway and see kids in the street playing ball hockey when I come home from an errand. I love going for walks without having to drive somewhere to do it. I love that our landlords are so gracious and my family can stay with them upstairs and make it easier on us all. I love the view from the backyard at all times of the day. I am so happy here!
• I am thankful that I have had the time to make Rusty's food. It is another thing that surprises me, but I find that I really like whipping up a batch of food for the little man. In fact, yesterday I went to the States and came home super stoked about the new fancy blender I had purchased on a VERY good deal because it meant making Rusty's food would be that much easier! I do use the jarred food from time to time when we are out and about, but I actually really like making the food...it's almost strangely theraputic.
• I am thankful to have such a great network of friends with kids that aren't afraid to answer my questions, and never make me feel stupid for asking them. Tara, Jen, Stef, Laura, Adrienne, and countless others...you have kept me sane in the moments when I thought I would lose it, or have given me endless reassurance when I was sure I was doing it all wrong! Thank you!
• I am thankful for the Internet! Yep, facebook, my blog, email, google, and many, many mom sites have helped me in countless ways! I actually have a couple of "friends" that I have never met due to the Internet, my blog and facebook combined. It's amazing how small the world can be these days!
• I am so incredibly thankful for Starbucks. Yes, to some of you it seems silly and wasteful, but don't judge me. You have no idea how great a grande, nonfat hazelnut latte can make me feel on a day when I am tired, and I haven't yet showered or even eaten breakfast for that matter. In the early days, I would sometimes put Rusty in the car and head down the road to the nearby drive thru Starbucks. Mmm...the smell of that latte as they passed it through the window immediately made me feel better. There were other times when the day had been so full and fun and busy that by the time Kev got home he could see I was exhausted and needed a break and would send me down to Starbucks for some quiet time and a treat. Could I make my own coffee at home? Yes, I could and most days I do, but some days...Starbucks is that special treat that I love and enjoy! It is also the special place that I have met with MANY friends and had great conversations over a cup of smooth, sweet and tasty tea or a minty mocha. YUM!
• I'm thankful for my car! I am so happy that I have a car and can get around and out and about during the day. I can make plans with friends and go somewhere to meet them. Rusty and I can have fun adventures away from home. I'm happy to have wheels!

I'm sure there are more things that I am thankful for, but I hear my munchkin waking up from his nap, so I must go...my alone time is over!