I'm just not there. Right now the thought of me being a mother scares me to death! I look around at my sister and my friends that are mothers and I think I could never do it as well as they do! I know that Kevin is going to be an amazing dad, so I get excited when I think about that, but me...as a mom? I just can't see it!
It's funny, because it seems that everyone else can see me in that role. Nicole has told me on more than one occassion that she has always seen a great potential mom in me. I appreciate her confidence in me, but I'm not sure exactly what it is that she is seeing.
See, there are things about me that just aren't mom-like. I LOVE to be alone! I sometimes crave that time when I can just sit and read a book, or watch TV, or be a lump on a log. I like that I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I am pretty forgetful sometimes. I also tend to be pretty clutzy. I'm always spilling something on myself, and most times I can barely keep up with my own laundry and Kevin does his own! What is my problem? I can't imagine trying to keep up with my child's laundry...especially if we get to experience the joys of having a puker! I drive fast...a little too fast sometimes and everytime I see one of those cars with a "Baby on Board" sticker driving the speed limit in the slow lane I think I could never do that. I also absolutely LOVE my job! I know that I complain sometimes, but 95% of the time I can't wait to get in front of that classroom and connect with the kids. This factor is a true dilema for me, because I think once I have kids I will probably want to be home with them, but I also can't see myself NOT working! It's just a part of my life! I love spontenaity. I love that Kevin and I can just decide to go out to eat and to a movie on a moment's notice without having to find a sitter or figure out how much money we have because we have spent money on diapers or formula. It all just seems so overwhelming. I LOVE that I have Kevin all to myself. I'm selfish, I know, but I love that his attention is focused on me!
Having a child just seems miles away...most of the time. Then, I see a picture like this:
It is a picture of me holding Logan, our friends' son. It is the day he was born. We went to the hospital to meet him and see his parents and I fell in LOVE! He is adorable, and my heart jumps every time we go to visit them. I could actually spend hours holding him, and he knows now that he has me wrapped around his little finger. Don't I look like a mom in that picture? And when he looks at me with these eyes...well, I'm a goner.
I can still CLEARLY remember the first time that I held my first nephew, Nason. It was the day he was born and I had driven eight hours in pouring rain without stopping to see him. My car sputtered into the Spearfish hospital parking lot and I ran into the building. The minute he was in my arms, I started crying. The tears were streaming down my face and I remember thinking, wow, so this is what it's like to love someone so much. I didn't want to put him down, and even when I was taking care of him the next day and he was screaming so loud and so long, I still loved him more than I thought was actually possible. Now he's practically grown up, and I'm missing all of it! Okay, so maybe he's not actually grown up, but he's going to kindergarten! 
When sweet, funny Jakin came along, I was smitten. I didn't actually get to meet him until he was about 2 months old, but it was when he came all the way to Canada for my wedding! Not all babies can say they have traveled to a foreign country within two months of being born! Jakin is hilarious, and reminds me of myself. He is the second child, content to let others talk for him and just smile at everyone. His pouty little lips are the cutest things I've ever seen and I adore his cheeky little grin. He's a mischevious one, and I adore it.
Sweet Rachel, now there's a doll! She and her brother, Jacob, are my cousin's kids. Matt and Nessa were my best friends in high school. Matt was more of a brother than a cousin since we were only six months apart in age and grew up less than a mile from each other. When Nessa came into the picture in 8th grade I was delighted, and I was even more delighted to be a bridesmaid at their wedding 7 years later! I knew that they would have cute kids, and they have. Their kids have stolen our hearts and we hope to have a daughter JUST like Rachel. What a little doll! 
You know, if we somehow manage to have children that are half as cute as the little buggers up above and even a quarter as sweet, I guess I will be able to handle motherhood. My face lights up any time I have an opportunity to spend a moment with any of them. If I love them that much...well, I can't wait to love my own children! As long as they can wait a few more years to meet us...
Those pictures are so sweet...you'll be a great mom no matter when it happens and your kids will be equally great but individually yours!
ReplyDeleteWell, I have to say, all those things you say you love, time alone, being able to laze around whenever you want, having Kev all to yourself, those are things I also LOVE, and I do miss them a lot! I don't often get time alone, or the opportunity to just laze around and let the house go to pot around me. (The dishes are calling my name right now, and I've ignored them all morning) And James does a good job of spending time with me after the kids go to bed, but we don't get many dates, and they have to be WELL planned normally. So, wow, am I trying to steer you AWAY from having kids?
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely not! All those things that you say wouldn't qualify you to be a good mom are the reasons you WILL be a great mom! Okay, maybe not the driving fast part, but you will be amazed the first time you drive after strapping your baby in the backseat. You will suddenly be afraid everyone else in the world doesn't realize you have the most precious cargo in the your car and they are all out to hit you and you WILL drive better. Not always slow, because I can be a speed demon, but I also have to think about the fact that they are counting on me to be there for them, and fast driving is not necessarily the best way to insure that. =)
Anyway, I say all that to get to this point: God will equip you when the time is RIGHT. When the time is right, that does NOT mean your desire to be alone, be lazy and keep your husband to yourself will suddenly disappear! Many times they will be a VERY close second to your desire to be a good mom. And most times you NEED to put your needs with your husband first, because that is the relationship that will always be there after the kids are gone. God doesn't call us to motherhood so we can become just "Nason's Mom" or "Rachel's Mom" but so that we can become more well-rounded individuals, and he ALLOWS us the privilege of raising a little individual to know Him! It's such an honor and I'm so scared I'm going to mess it up, but that makes me lean on Him more!
Many many many times, I wish and dream about having a life like yours, where we would have been able to work in our chosen professions for several years before having children, so we could go off at a moment's notice, and I covet the times that Mom and Dad and others give us a break so we can do just that, but I know I wouldn't trade where I am for the world. I also know my life is not yours! You need to enjoy this time God has given to you so that you won't have any regrets when you are sitting in a rocking chair at 2am, rocking your screaming child for the 3rd time that hour and wishing for a break so you could close your eyes for even 20 minutes and pretend you are alone! I do not regret our decision to have children when we did, because I know it was God's doing. And of course, look at my two great kids! Who knows what else God has in store for us?
You have to know you are in the right stage of your life, and girl, LIVE IT UP! Soak up the love of all the little children in your life, and when you are tired of them, HAND THEM BACK TO THEIR MOMMIES for now, and enjoy the fact that you can do that, for soon, you will be the one responsible for the 2am feedings, but you will love it, even when you are tired or frustrated! =)
(By the way, I so remember you crying your eyes out when you were holding Nason. It makes me cry just thinking about it)
Love you! And hey, it's fun to be the free-wheelin' doting auntie! When you get kids of your own, my kids will suddenly wonder what happened to the aunt that spoiled them rotten all the time! Hehehe....
Yeah...one additional comment...from what I've heard (from some very qualified mommies) your attitude may change drastically once you have your own child...I think they kinda become the center of your world. :) (from what I've heard...:)
ReplyDeleteI cried for like 30 minutes when I first saw my eldest niece. And I also think I am going to be sorely disappointed when I have my own kids, if they aren't half as cute as my nieces...
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