So, how does it happen? How does a couple get to the point where they decide that they want to have a baby? Do you just magically wake up one morning and say, "Hey, I think I'm ready to try for a baby now!" or is it something like boredom taking over and deciding to try for something new? I don't really know. I don't see the boredom thing being an issue for Kevin and I. I mean, we just have so much fun! I can't imagine us ever getting to the point where we are both just sitting around so bored that we think, "Hmm...maybe we should have a baby to shake things up a bit."
This is all on my mind because lately it seems that babies are everywhere! It seems like every time I turn around I see a pregnant woman, or I hear about a friend that is pregnant. It is good news, but a little bit scary too! Most of the time I still see myself as this kid...just this kid that is playing grown up. I mean, I know that I am 26 and I am naturally sort of gravitating towards that stage but for some reason something still just holds me back.
I'm such a planner. I like to just plan everything out. What time am I getting up? 6:15 a.m., every morning, without a doubt-except for THIS morning when I slept through my alarm and my husband was not here to set his alarm to go off shortly afterward...that was interesting! But I digress...I am a planner. When I go on trips, I like to know exactly what is happening...I know, I know. It's not that creative. This is why my husband is good for me. He likes to sleep until we aren't tired anymore and then get up and hit the road. He says, hmm...let's stop at a sit down restaurant for lunch. He says, Oh, do you want to check out that mall along the way? Does it really matter if we are on the road by 6 a.m.? Does it really matter if we make it so many miles in 5 hours? I mean really? All it means is that we will get to wherever we are going a few hours earlier than we would have, and if that isn't the final destination, what is the point of getting up early in the first place? But, as I said before, I am a planner.
When I graduated from university way back in 2002-wow...time flies-I had a plan. I took a job in California. I would work there for three years, build up some money, and then move to the East Coast. Well, we all know how that worked out! But really, I wouldn't want it any other way! I'm GLAD that those plans were thwarted! Man, I absolutely love my life! Most days there is at least one point in the day when I suddenly stop, look around, and think "wow, I have the best life!" Would I be saying that if I had followed my plan? Probably not!
Lately my penchant for planning has been getting to me. I have this map for our lives. It says when we will switch jobs, when we will decide to have kids, when we will buy a house, when we will buy a car, blah, blah, blah. Suddenly, I have had it come to my attention that all of these plans that I have for us just might not be God's plan for us. Huh...imagine that. I'm not saying that God wants me to do things differently than I am doing them, but I am sort of realizing that I haven't been doing the best job of looking at other options lately either. Today a friend asked me this question. She said, "Stacy, what are you waiting for?" I looked at her and it was like I had an epiphany...what WAS I waiting for? It seems like I'm always waiting for the next big thing. I'm always trying to plan out exactly what will happen. Why? What does that get me? It's not really in my control anyway!
So, back to the babies. When? When does this whole thing happen? How do you get to that point? I'm sort of seeing how it could happen. I mean lately I've been looking at Kevin and thinking, "wow, what a great dad he would be!" The other day we were hanging out with some friends and he was playing with their little boy and I have to say, my heart did that crazy melty thing...you know what I mean. You look at the man you love gently loving a little kid and you get all mushy inside! He also has this totally cute little voice that he does with babies. I can't even describe it, you would have to hear it, but every time he does it with our friends' kids they totally look at him and smile and grin and darn it...there goes that melty feeling again. I have also lately come to realize what an amazing husband Kevin is. I know, why didn't I realize it before? I think I sort of did, but now I am aware of it on a daily basis. He is so incredibly devoted to me and my happiness. He is godly, caring, gentle, compassionate, understanding, full of integrity...well, I could go on and on. When I see all of those qualities pointed toward me I am overwhelmed. Why does this amazing man wake up every day and choose to love me despite all of the mistakes I make and the things that I do? Well, seeing that love toward me shows me what a great dad he will be to our kids. It makes me want to see that sooner than I thought! Again, what am I waiting for?
But then, the old fear comes back. I know that it will absolutely change my life. It will never be exactly the same. I know, I know...it changes for the better. I can tell myself all of the right answers and platitudes. I know them all...but still...what if I don't like being a mom? Or, worse yet, what if I am not a good mom? What if I don't like not being able to go for a run at a moment's notice? What if I hate the fact that I have to find a baby-sitter every time Kev and I want to go on a date? What if I am annoyed by the thought of changing yet another dirty diaper? What if the lack of sleep causes me to become a shelled out version of myself? Will it all be worth it? I know what you moms out there will say...of course! My non-child brain can't help but wonder though.
So...how does it happen? How do you finally decide to make that step? I guess one day I will find out. I know that day is looming closer and closer all of the time. In some ways it really excites me. I can't wait to see Kev and I as parents. I love our marriage. It is an extraordinarily fun, incredibly understanding, and unconditionally loving place to be. I know that we will treat our kids the same way that we treat each other in those senses. I hope, though, that we can keep a sense of self when it finally does happen. I hope that we won't forget who Kevin and Stacy are. I hope that we don't just become "So and So's" mom or "You Know Who's" dad. I know that we will have those titles in some places, but I hope that in other places we will still be Stacy and Kevin. I hope that to each other we will still be Honey or Schmoopie or whatever our names for each other at the time are. I hope that I will still be Stace to my friends and Sissy Bubbles to my sister. I hope that my dad will still think of me as Spacey Stacy and my mom will still think of me as her tender heart.
Whenever it does happen, I know that it will be great. I know that the excitement will come. I'm sure that there will be moments when I think, "What on EARTH have we done!?" but I know that the "Wow, this is the most amazing thing!" moments will far outweigh the others. I guess it will have to be like every other thing in my life. I will have to say to myself, "Stacy, stop planning every little detail. Just let life be. Let God be in control and have fun! Just live it and enjoy it...to the fullest, every day."
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
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Ahh Stacy...you're like me...always thinking, analyzing, comparing, contrasting, more thinking, more comparing...ha ha:) It's hard to let go and just breathe, isn't it? I'm the very last person who should offer up my two cents because, as you know, I'm probably more like this than you are...hee, hee...but I think I like your hubby's style. I'm finding that, more and more, I'm the one wanting to take detours on the way, stop and shop a little, do things that are unplanned...so un-Nicole, but it's nice! I can understand your desire for a plan but I also know that you would be a great mom at anytime and although I have yet to meet Kevin, I have a strong feeling that he's right up there with ya ;)
ReplyDeleteI will also say (I know, I've already written enough!) that my ability to let go a little has really been thanks to this crazy Army life we've been living. It's never the same from one minute to the next but I think it's helped me to see that life is sooo short and that today is really all you have to count on...just thoughts ;)
ReplyDeleteWell, first of all, if you think of it as "looming in the future" it will be scary! And you will be thinking "Whoa, what will we be doing to ourselves?"
ReplyDeleteBut anyway, I agree, planning will drive you crazy eventually. I, too, am a planner. I successfully planned Nason and boy, was I proud that it happened just when I wanted it to! I thought the second baby would be just as easy to plan, and it was! But then, God nipped that in the bud and said, "You know, Adrienne, you can only plan so much before you realize that I AM THE ONE truly in charge!"
So, I guess what I'm saying is, you are in the same stage now that I was in when we had been married almost 2 years. I was thinking, hmm...now? Then I moved quickly to YES, NOW and James was just as excited as I was, but that might not be you guys! Don't rush it! You are right, EVERYTHING changes, and it mostly changes for the better, but because we are all a bit selfish, I will say it IS a pain to have to get a sitter ANYTIME you want to go out, and it IS a pain having to plan specific times to exercise around your kids' nap schedules, and it IS a pain to have to get up when they are ready, whether you are ready or not. However, whenever I get jealous of the current lifestyle you have where you can do whatever you want whenever you want, I just have to pop the image of my sweet boys' faces into my mind and I realize I am willing to do all that stuff to keep them! So, you have to decide, are you ready to put your wants for sleep, and a totally flexible schedule aside just a teeny bit in order to have a sweet little body to raise and squeeze and love? If not, THAT IS OKAY!!!! That doesn't mean you will eventually be a bad mom or whatever, it just means you aren't ready now!
Anyway, if you and Kev talk about it and feel like you would be open to having a baby now, then just LET GO and let God take over. If not, then hold off! And don't worry about it! You'll both be great, and when it is God's timing, it will be wonderful and you will not usually miss the extra sleep and tons of dates at the drop of a hat. Sometimes you may fondly think of it and miss it a bit, but the things you trade those things for are far more lasting. And you WILL still keep the ole Stace & Kev---as long as you put YOUR relationship before your kid(s) and realize the dating & special times and names HAVE to continue! Wow! I better quit now! This is getting long! I love you and know you will be great WHENEVER you decide to have a baby! =)
OH yeah, I forgot to mention, it will be TONS easier for you because of your fabulous in-laws being so close! It makes a big difference when you have loving family that WANTS to take care of your kids and help you out and don't expect you to babysit their kids in return, or pay them for their time! It will be very helpful for you, I have to admit, that's one of the hardest things of being in ministry so far from ANY family!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I ask myself these questions too. Like how does a couple decide to have children?
ReplyDeleteI remember driving back from a wonderful weekend in France with my boyfriend, just a few months after we had started dating, and I turned to him, and said: "this is as good as it gets." It was just so blissful, and carefree. And then I made some comment about how when you have kids that whole spontaneity is gone, and it was pretty much downhill from there. And he just turned to me and smirked and said: "No, it's not. It's just different later. But it's a whole different type of good." And I think that is true. There are already aspects of not being in a relationship that I miss, so I am sure that when I have kids I will also miss aspects of life before. But like your sister says, you will have something so wonderful in exchange that you won't believe that you ever thought your life was complete without them.
Also, someone very wise once told me: if you wait for the perfect time to have children, you never will, because it is never the perfect time.
It's all so very exciting...and I look forward to seeing the future adventures of Sissy Bubbles in her musings about the Quest to Motherhood.
Hi Stacy. What a compelling entry! I can relate to a lot of what you say about the worries of what it'll be like when you do have a kid - knowing so well that life will change, but not knowing if you want it to, and not knowing how you'll handle it.
ReplyDeleteChange is such a funny thing. Ryan and I have been through what seems like a lot - from moves between countries (I'm sure you can imagine), to moves around Vancouver, to moves to new jobs...the list goes on. It's hard to change at first, but the thing we've learned to hold onto is that although it feels so hard right when the change happens, eventually we adapt and the new way feels like normal life. We always look back and smile at how worried we were and how we were so unsure of the future, and we are so thankful that we're not the ones directing us through life. Thank God for a god who knows what he's doing!!! And thank God for his not telling us where he's taking us because I'm sure we would think he was crazy.
As for the "how does a couple decide to have a baby" question, for us personally it all started with me thinking along those same lines, and noticing the millions of babies and pregnant women around, and starting to imagine Ryan as a dad, and thinking about what it would be like to be 3 instead of 2. Of course it took a good 6 months for us to both come to the decision to go for it, but it's all a process.
"Plava" has changed our lives - it's true, and there are things that ARE more challenging, like going out for a date. We don't actually get to do that much. But I tell ya, the time that we have in the evening after Plava's in bed is so much more enjoyable than it ever was before, because we really appreciate the time together. The other thing is that we both love her so much that it's almost changed our view of life. No, our world doesn't revolve around her, but it's as if we've multiplied the love we have in our lives by 100! It's awesome, and definitely worth all the tough stuff that accompanies.
But that's a given, and of course you know that as you ponder these things.
Thanks for your message the other night. We were camping!!! We're back now though so maybe I'll give you a call today!! :) We look forward to getting together finally!! Take care!