Blessed Be Your Name

A week from tomorrow I was supposed to be having a baby. It's my dad's birthday that day. I remember when the doctor told me that the due date was October 18th. I was thrilled, because I'm a true Daddy's Girl and what better gift could I give to that man than to give him a grandchild? I'm not naive enough to believe that I would have actually had the baby that exact day, but just knowing that it would have been around that day would have been good enough.

As the day draws closer, I find myself in a whirlwind of busyness. I'm teaching full time. I'm coaching junior girls volleyball. I'm trying to finish up a course in Canadian History. I'm trying to be a good wife and a good friend and a good sister and a good daughter. In the middle of all of that, during those really quiet moments that are few and far between, I find that I'm just a bit sad.

The other day it hit me...I would have been preparing to have a BABY! Do you know how monumental that is? It's completely life changing. And, when I started to think about it I began to wonder...would we have been ready? Maybe that's why I had the miscarriage, because God knew I wouldn't have been ready for this. At this point in my life I certainly don't feel ready...it seems like I have a million things on the go. I can't even take care of myself right now, how could I have possibly taken care of a baby?

But then I tell myself that is silly. That is why it takes nine months. You have time to process that...to think about becoming a mom, going into that new role. I know that you can never be truly prepared, but at least you have a daily reminder-the growth of the belly and the rising numbers on the scale-to tell you this is coming. I only got a third of the way through that with the first one and barely six weeks in with the second. I don't know what it's like to get past that first trimester. I don't know what it's like to see the belly start to grow...mine was just getting tight at the stage that I lost the baby.

I feel ripped off in a sense. A few weeks ago I just got really mad. It was a particularly stressful week at school and the combination of planning lessons, teaching, marking, coaching and doing my own course put me over the top. I couldn't help it. In a conversation with my love I said, "This SUCKS! I'm not even supposed to be DOING this stuff! I was supposed to be off of work, not teaching, not coaching, not taking courses! I was supposed to just be relaxing and GETTING READY TO HAVE A BABY!" And then, just as quickly, I was done. I was over it. I was calm.

I was calm because I know, in my heart of hearts, that God doesn't make mistakes. If there is one thing that I have learned in the last nine months it is that truth. It is absolute. Even though I don't understand, I trust. I just have to look around to see that.

Would I have loved to be entering the world of parenthood next week? Of course! It would be amazing...and it will be amazing, someday. In the meantime, a lot of incredible things have happened and I have learned many amazing lessons.

I have grown closer to some friends than I ever thought possible. I saw people that I barely knew step up to the plate and be that shoulder that I needed to cry on and I, in return, have been allowed to be there for them in their difficult situations.

I have entered a new phase at my job. It's called, "I LOVE IT!" It's such a joy to go to work every day. Even though I stress out from marking and get behind in planning, I absolutely love it! My kids are amazing. They make me laugh, every single day. A few of my colleagues at work have become some of my best friends. I send out HELP messages to them and know that they will respond and be there and brighten my day. I am finding my place at my school. I belong and I am happy.

I have grown closer to God. These miscarriages have forced me to rely on Him in a way that I never really had before. His words have taken on new meaning. My words to him have become less formal. It's just me and him. Here I am God. It's me...I don't know what to say, but you know. You get it. You see my heart. I'm finding that to be a refreshing way to live life.

I am taking courses...they are kicking my bum, but I know that I will be proud when I finish, because we will be in a better place financially due to my hard work. I will know that I am contributing in a better way.

I have gained compassion for people. I have learned what it is like to be told to wait, and wait. I am learning what it is like to wait and never know if you will get the answer that you want. This makes me compassionate, not just to other women in my situation, but to other people that are in various stages of waiting on life.

I have learned to stop waiting and start living. I have learned to not base my life upon the what ifs. I have learned to go forth and trust God to take care of the details. I am learning to not be such a control freak all of the time.

It's not always easy. Sometimes I'm still mad. I think that next Thursday might be a particularly tough day for me but in the middle of it, I will give thanks. See, that's what I am called to do. I have chosen to look at all that I have learned from this and thank God for it. I thank him for his faithfulness. I thank him for his promises to me. I thank him for my growing faith. I thank him for the people he has put into my life. In all situations, I must give him thanks! There is no other option!

1 Thessalonians 5:18 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
"...give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

There is a song that we sometimes sing in church and chapel. Lately, it has become my song. I can't sing it without crying, because it's true. It's by Matt Redman, and it is called "Blessed Be Your Name." May it bring you the same peace it has brought to me.

Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman
- - -
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name