We Are Now Announcing...

This post has been a long time coming. Almost two years, in fact. It all started in June of 2006. We had been married for two years, and went away to Kelowna to celebrate our second anniversary. We had a great weekend of golfing, eating out, swimming and just spending time together at the Lake Okanagan Resort. On our way home, we got into a big discussion. THE discussion. About children. We talked again about how many we wanted. We discussed timing, and we decided that it was time to start trying!

Now, like most couples starting out, we figured it would be easy. First of all, we figured we would get pregnant right away. I know that I truly believed that by that time the next year, I would be a new mom! Most of the people that I knew with kids, barring a few, had found it relatively easy to get pregnant. I figured I would be the same.

I had a big trip planned that year. I was going to Europe with my school for 18 days in July, and Kevin was going to be in Oregon working on his master's degree, so obviously we wouldn't be starting RIGHT away. We had to get through those commitments first. Come August, however, we were ready to start trying, and try we did! Boy is that part fun! :)

I remember waiting that first month for my period to arrive. I thought for sure I was pregnant. I figured I had all of the "symptoms." I even bought a test, and remember my disappointment when it showed up negative. That was the first of many negative tests to come.

It wasn't an easy process for us. Now that I look back on it, I realize that overall, getting pregnant actually was easy, but when we were in the middle of it, it did not seem easy. We did not end up getting pregnant until January of 2007. I know now that five months is a SHORT amount of time to wait. I know women that have waited a year or more. I realize how blessed we were to get pregnant in that amount of time.

We found out on February 11th. I remember taking yet another test, and this time, having the two lines show up. My heart was beating so quickly, and I couldn't wait to tell Kevin. I remember us taking a picture of us with the test. I was cleaning our bedroom yesterday, and came across the card I gave Kevin, telling him we were embarking on the journey of parenthood. I had no idea how difficult and truly amazing it would be. I found his Valentine's card to me from last year. It said how excited he was that by Valentine's Day of this year, we would no longer be two, but three.

The first months were bliss. Ignorant bliss! I had an ultrasound at 8 weeks to check on dates, and everything showed up fine there. Five short weeks later, I was waking up in the middle of the night, knowing, fearing, understanding that something was not right. I remember calling the doctor at 1 in the morning, being told to wait it out until morning. I remember spending the night pouring over my Bible. I remember finding the passage in Psalm 77 and praying it to my Lord. (Taken from The Message)

I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens. I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord; my life was an open wound that wouldn't heal. When friends said, "Everything will turn out all right," I didn't believe a word they said. I remember God—and shake my head. I bow my head—then wring my hands. I'm awake all night—not a wink of sleep; I can't even say what's bothering me. I go over the days one by one, I ponder the years gone by. I strum my lute all through the night, wondering how to get my life together.

Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good? Will he never smile again? Is his love worn threadbare? Has his salvation promise burned out? Has God forgotten his manners? Has he angrily stalked off and left us? "Just my luck," I said. "The High God goes out of business just the moment I need him."

Once again I'll go over what God has done, lay out on the table the ancient wonders; I'll ponder all the things you've accomplished, and give a long, loving look at your acts.

O God! Your way is holy! No god is great like God! You're the God who makes things happen; you showed everyone what you can do—You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble, rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph.

Ocean saw you in action, God, saw you and trembled with fear; Deep Ocean was scared to death. Clouds belched buckets of rain, Sky exploded with thunder, your arrows flashing this way and that. From Whirlwind came your thundering voice, Lightning exposed the world, Earth reeled and rocked. You strode right through Ocean, walked straight through roaring Ocean, but nobody saw you come or go.

Hidden in the hands of Moses and Aaron, You led your people like a flock of sheep.

I read through those verses in the midst of the night and came to an acceptance. I remember handing my baby over to God, seeing her in my mind, giving her to God to take care of. I gave her a name, Hannah, and pictured her playing with her cousin, my sister's baby that she had lost a few years earlier. I knew even before we went in for the ultrasound the next day that the baby was not gone for good, but gone from us.

I won't say that it was an easy time, because it wasn't, but I can say that God is good. He sustained Kevin and I through that time. He brought people into our lives that gave us the exact words we needed to hear at the exact moment we needed to hear them. I remember phoning my family, and wanting to be strong for them. I remember phoning certain friends and staying strong for them, but I clearly remember phoning my friend Jen. I told her, and her response was not to say "I'm sorry" or "God will sustain." Her response was tears. Deep sobs. She cried it out with me on the phone. She gave me a safe place to release those tears. She was someone that I did not feel I had to be strong with, and she helped me heal. The next day I met with her and her precious baby girl, Emily. Emily cooed and smiled, and brought my heart healing that it needed. Our dear friends, the Hnatiuks, had us over for pizza that very night. They told us funny stories that made us laugh until we were crying. I'll never forget how grateful I was for that in the midst of how awful it felt deep inside. We were, and are, truly blessed.

We moved forward, and tried again. In June I found out the news, I was pregnant again. This time, however, I have to be honest. I was not excited. I was afraid. I was so afraid. In my heart I knew that this wasn't going to happen. I prepared myself ahead of time, and a week after we found out, I lost the baby.

I think the second loss wounded my heart more than the first. I had this fear that we might never get to be parents. It was a time of great work in my relationship with God. He worked in my heart, and we worked toward trust.

We had to wait much longer after the second loss to try again. I was blessed to be referred to a wonderful clinic in Vancouver. I had tests done and we found something that possibly could be causing difficulties. Our doctor was sweet, wonderful and amazing. We were finally cleared for the okay in October and started trying again in November. God blessed us, and we got pregnant right away!

I remember finding out this time. I was afraid. I took the test and left it in the bathroom. Kevin went to find the results. I will never, ever forget him coming back into the bedroom, climbing in next to me, giving me a hug, and saying "You're pregnant." I burst into tears, and then we spent the next hour praying and rejoicing.

This pregnancy has not been without fear. I have had many moments of fear, and have worked hard on working through them. One fear was the fear of losing the baby and not knowing, like happened in the first pregnancy. The first 7 weeks felt like an eternity, then finally we had an ultrasound and saw our baby for the first time. Three weeks later, we got to see the baby again, and this time it had little tiny hands and feet! We had never seen anything like that, and once again, tears streamed down my face. On Valentine's Day we actually HEARD the heartbeat for the first time, and I was in awe yet again as I realized that there was a little child growing inside of me. What a true miracle of God!

I do not share the whole difficult past to ask for pity...but to show how great God really is. I have learned much through this process. I have learned that God's timing is absolute. I now feel that there are several reasons that we went through what we did. I have great sensitivity towards women going through pregnancy difficulties. I do not take for granted any moment of pregnancy...in fact I have often thanked God in the middle of gagging, because I know that it is a sign that things are going along well. I have discovered in this year that I was supposed to be at my school this year, for reasons that are just between me and God. I have grown stronger in my faith through this, and I feel so much closer to God. I have learned a lot about trusting Him. Kevin and I have grown closer together through this time, rather than further apart.

Not that those fears don't still creep in, but I have several verses that I claim each time they do. I have had various situations come up in my life, in which a difficult situation has resulted in something wonderful in the end. When the fear seems overwhelming, I remember those times, just as the writer of Psalm 77 did. I also have many wonderful friends and family that I can go to in those times of need, most importantly my wonderful husband. I have also realized through this time that many people go through much worse times, and still praise God. I have learned from them as well.

One of my biggest fears, however, has been telling other people...announcing it to the "world." We have sort of selectively told people as we felt ready, or as the opportunity arose, and there were definitely some people that we were very close to that we felt the need to share this with before others. Yesterday, however, I had some serious time with God. I realized that I was still living in fear that if I "announced it" I would lose the baby.

I'm at 15 weeks now. I'm starting to grow and show. I have my 16 week appointment next week. Every time I would go for an appointment I would say "I'll announce it next week." Or "after that next appointment." Or "when I get to this point." Yesterday I realized that it was all a part of living in fear and being afraid of losing the baby. I want to stop experiencing a pregnancy in that manner, and start experiencing it with joy and anticipation. Does this mean that nothing bad will happen? No, but it means that I am choosing to move forward in faith. I know that my God loves me. I know that he has plans for us, that he has our hope and our future in the palm of His hands and he will not give us anymore than we can bear.

So, it is with great excitement and joy that we announce that we are pregnant! We are so thrilled. Kevin is becoming more and more excited the further we get. Now that I am starting to show a tiny bit, he finds that it is becoming more of a reality to him. He loves seeing my tummy growing.

Kevin has been amazing in helping me out. He does the dishes all of the time. He has started washing and folding the towels. I don't pick up anything that could be considered to be heavy, he even took over my duties of taking out the recycling every Tuesday morning. I love cooking, but one night last week I was fried, and he found great joy in making us a dinner of spaghetti, serving it up to me, and cleaning up afterward. He has given me slack in cleaning up, and he prays with me every night. We pray for our little one every single night before falling asleep, and thank the Lord for this baby and the time he has allowed us, whatever that time may be.

I have long dreamed about having the opportunity to announce this news on my blog. I'm excited to become a mom. Our big day is August 24th, although we all know it probably won't happen on that day, but rather I expect to go late, as most first-time mommies do. I know a lot of women that are pregnant right now, some of them close friends, and I look forward to sharing that experience with them. I look forward to being off of work next year and getting to know our baby. I look forward to going home at Christmas and seeing my family meet our precious little one. I look forward to the ways that this will challenge Kevin and I, and bring us closer together. Announcing it is a big step for me, and another way that I can put my trust in God.

I appreciate those of you that knew and kept it quiet and prayed! Keep praying! You can now announce it to your friends and family! We don't need to chat about what I write on my blog at dinner, (hint hint) but you can let your friends know. I know some of you have been waiting for a long time, just as we have. (Just a little side note, I won't be announcing this at work for another few weeks, so if you work with me and happen to read my blog somehow, please keep the news in for a little longer! I'll be announcing after Spring Break!)

So, without any further ado, I would like to introduce you to our little one, Baby S! Here is the 10 week ultrasound photo...if you look closely, you can see his/her hand up by his/her head! Hopefully another ultrasound will be coming in three or four weeks! Say your first hello to Baby Sowerby!