Without Me

They are all out on the lake, riding around in the boat, camping, laughing, and enjoying one another...without me. My family had their usual 4th of July get together this weekend. Matt and Nessa-two of my favorite people in the world and my best friends all throughout middle and high school-loaded up their two adorable kids into their camper and decided to camp out at the lake for the next few weeks. They brought their boat, and my family went out to join them.

Matt is my cousin, and my best friend from about age 6 months on. I was born in December, he in June, and we were lucky enough to be in the same grade. We were like two peas in a pod. I think we got into a lot of trouble growing up, but we managed to have tons of fun as well. He is still one of those people in my life, the special ones that I think of often, and can easily talk to any time I get the chance, even though that isn't often. When he proposed to my best friend Nessa in their second year of univeristy, well, all just seemed right with the world, and it still is.

When I was talking to Nessa on the phone on the 4th and she said how much she wished I was there, those were good words to hear. Sometimes I wonder...I'm so far away from my family, and so much time goes by in between those wonderful moments that I get to see them, that I have a mini pity party for myself. I wonder if they remember me, if I cross their minds at those moments when they are all together. Do they think things would be even a little bit better if I was there? At times like this when they are all together and I'm here, far, far away, I get all sad. This time,however, not so much. The sadness didn't even creep in. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to be there with them! However, this year? I have a good reason not to be there. The best reason of all, in fact.

I told myself the last time more than a year passed in between me seeing my family that that would not happen again. We go home every other Christmas, and I planned to get home on the summers in between. Last summer was busy, and my parents came up, so I didn't feel the need to go home. Plus, I planned on being home this summer, so I figured I could handle not being there for Christmas this year. Well, here we are again, and it's been over a year since I've been home. Do I wish to see everybody? You bet! Am I glad I'm not going home...for sure. Why, you ask? Because even as I type this post, our little Baby is kicking and wiggling away inside of me. It simply makes me want to cry with the wonder of it all.

There were some days that I wondered if this time would ever come. Would I ever get to feel the rolls and tumbles of a baby inside of me? Would I get the chance to experience those sharp jabs to the ribs? Would I see my baby on that ultrasound screen and just want to cry? I know that my experiences and difficulties were nothing compared to what some women go through. I know that in the grand scheme of things, we are really blessed, and we recognize that fact every single day. I have not taken a moment of this pregnancy for granted. You will never see or hear me complaining about that sharp jab to the ribs or the fact that I have to pee, a lot. For me, these are reminders that all is well in there. Little Baby S is roasting away, swimming around in there, getting ready to meet us.

In seven weeks or so, we will be seeing this child, face to face, for the first time. The idea of that reality just floors me. I can't even imagine the thoughts that will go through my mind in that time. I already love this baby so much, and I know that Kevin does too. We love praying for it every night, dreaming about the future, wondering what this child will be like. We get giddy thinking about holding it in our arms, singing to it, reading to it, telling it how much we love it. Kevin has become more and more excited, and today at a family gathering he proudly showed off my belly to everyone, constantly patting it or cupping his hands around it saying "We're almost there!" It's such a joy for me to see him so excited about this baby that isn't even here yet. If he is this great now, what will he be like later on?

So, although I MISS my family so much, and would love to be with them, I'm perfectly content to be sitting on my couch here at home talking to them on the phone. I'm okay with the fact that I am past the traveling long distances stage. It excites me to know that the next time I see them I will have a little child...a new grandbaby, cousin, etc to introduce to them. I think that next summer when we visit them with Little S in tow, I will still have the fun of camping/water-skiing/gabbing, etc. except it will be even better, because our little baby will be watching, laughing, and smiling at all of my family with us. It couldn't be any better than that!