ZZzzzzZZZzzz

That's what I feel like doing. I think I could easily crawl into bed, close my eyes and sleep for a day. Seriously, a FULL 24 hours would be nice. I'm not complaining. I love being a mother and I am ALWAYS thankful for my son and my husband, even when it's been a tough time. This week, however, has been a rough one.

It all started almost exactly a full week ago. It was Thursday night and we were sitting down to dinner. I had made a yummy stir fry that I was actually pretty excited about and as I was dishing it up Kevin looked at me and said, "My stomach is feeling weird. Ugh, oh I don't think I can really eat." Bummer, so I ate my stir fry by myself while my hubby lounged on the couch. We got the munchkin to bed and I figured we were in for a normal night. Normal, at that point, was bliss...I see in hindsight. Waking up once in the night to feed my baby! Wonderful!! Right now I'm wondering if we will ever be there again. I digress.

Later on that night my husband was throwing up...not once, not twice, but six times throughout the night. When I wasn't helping him I was vigorously scrubbing myself with soap and hot water, changing clothes and trying to take care of a suddenly fussy baby. The night was a long one...I think I got one hour of sleep.

On to Friday. Hubby stayed home from work, obviously, and was passed out on the couch all day. I was taking care of Rusty and trying to keep him quiet so Kevin could get his rest. Rusty seemed to be doing all right, and we all tried to get to bed early. Kevin went down at 8, I think. It was a good night! Rusty only woke up a few times, and Kevin slept all the way through the night and woke up saying, "I feel great!" So, off we went...downtown to the Canuck skate thing. It was fun, and I'm glad we did it, but later that night I was wishing I had spent that time sleeping. Kevin played hockey as per normal and came home with a really sore back. Sunday found him flat on his back on the floor-seriously! Add on top of that our precious son, who was coming down with something.

We have been fighting that something all week. In the past week I have been thrown up on three times...all in the middle of the night and requiring a shower for me, change of clothes for me and the little man, and at least an hour getting the boy back down. Rusty has been fighting a mad cold which has made it nearly impossible for him to breathe through his nose, and you know how little kids hate that. I have spent most nights in the chair, me holding him somewhat upright as he lies there and moans. It's so sad to see your little boy lying there, going "Uhhhhh...Uhhhhhh...Uuhhhhhhh...Uhhhhh." He can't tell me exactly where it hurts, and I can't do much to make him better except to rock him and hold him and kiss his little cheeks.

Just when I think it's getting better, we hit another round. Naps have been impossible, leading to very restless nights. I haven't been out with friends, I haven't been for a walk, I have had to cancel TWO great girls' nights that I was totally looking forward to. At one point I lost it completely and actually phoned my mom at 11 at night and begged her, through tears, to come and help me. Seeing as she lives in South Dakota and that was impossible, you can see how desperate I was! I had two very sick boys, no sleep, and I wasn't feeling so hot myself. I just wanted my mommy! it's funny how we revert to that, even when we are mothers ourselves and 29 years old! Most of all? I haven't seen my son smile.

I didn't realize how smiley my sweet boy was until I saw his smile today, really for the first time during the day in a week. Last night he was pretty smiley when my husband got home from work, but during the day things have been difficult. Lots of tears, lots of whining, very little eating, and just plain sadness. I can't blame him, I feel the same way when I'm sick. I just have the ability to curl up in a chair and watch a movie while I sip on chicken noodle soup. He can't do that. He can't understand why I can't fix it for him. When he looks at me through his tears with that sad pathetic look on his face it just breaks my heart!

Today, I hit my breaking point. I called my husband at work, in tears, around 10 a.m. Rusty had been crying for hours, and I couldn't seem to calm him, couldn't get him to sleep, couldn't get him to eat...nothing was working. I was in my pajamas and hadn't had much to eat, let alone any water or anything to drink. I was just done. I think he must have prayed, because he told me to put Rusty in his crib and let him cry for a little bit while I just sat and watched Ellen. I love that show, and about 30 minutes later the little man was FINALLY asleep. When he woke up, we got dressed and made a mad dash to the mall. I was hoping to pick up a humidifier for his room, hoping that will help him sleep better. After about 30 minutes in the mall he was done, crying again, and ready to be home.

On the way to the mall, Kevin called to see how I was doing and I just about lost it on the phone with him. I told him I was a terrible mother. My baby was upset and sick and I couldn't figure out what to do. To make things worse, I had been unable to fall asleep while he was napping and instead was looking at pictures of other mothers with babies my age looking wonderful as they walked their baby on the beach and took them to great places like the Aquarium and other places. I told Kevin that I felt lucky to simply get Rusty out of the house, and that simple fact in itself was a feat as the energy it took to get showered and get us both dressed and out hardly seemed worth the effort.

Now? I sit here in our recliner. I'm unable to sleep again. I have had about 7 hours of sleep in the last forty eight hours, yet I cannot sleep. Rusty, at least, is asleep. He has gone down for a nap, praise the Lord. I'm not a bad mother, I'm just trying to survive. By this time next week I hope that I am the mother that has taken my little boy for a walk on the beach and that his smiles and giggles are back. I pray that I will have the energy to clean up my house and to wear something beside my yoga pants-although I do have to say I'm so thankful for my Lulu's, they are comfort in the extreme. Maybe I will have had time to get my hair cut, or to meet a friend for coffee. Maybe my boy will be playing on the floor giggling, rather than moaning in my arms.

I know it's just a moment in time, and that this too shall pass, but I have to say when I am in the middle of it, it's tough. Tonight my husband is feeling better. I'm going to let him figure out dinner, and hopefully I can get to bed early. He will probably take good care of me, as he always does, and usher me to bed by 8. He will take the monitor from the bedroom and order me to put in my earplugs while he takes care of Rusty's needs. He has done this before when he is feeling well...he takes good care of me. Hopefully by this time next week, this will be a distant memory!