While we were there, the nurse checked on the little one and said that it seemed as though his lungs were clearing up! We left feeling optimistic and hopeful. Just over an hour after I got home, after Kevin was already gone, I received a text from my friend saying her son had just crashed, was unconscious and unresponsive, and that we needed to PRAY! I did, immediately, all of the time wondering how that had happened! It was the start of a very long week for my dear friends.
Their baby is now in a special care hospital, but has crashed multiple times throughout this week, getting to the point where he needed to be intubated because he simply couldn't breathe on his own. Yesterday they were finally able to take out the breathing tube and we are all praising the Lord and continuing to pray for his healing. He is still in very critical condition, but finally seeing some sort of progress has buoyed everyone's spirits. My friend is an amazing woman, and her strength throughout this entire process has inspired me and challenged me.
I realize that I have big time fear. I don't know if it is due to the loss of the previous two babies before we were so blessed with Rusty. I don't know if it was watching them go through this crazy process this week. I don't know if it has been watching dear friends struggle to have babies. I don't really know why, but I have this crazy fear that Rusty is going to be taken away. I love him SO much, and I thank the Lord for him every single day, but sometimes when I am holding him in my arms as he sleeps and breathing in that sweet baby scent that he has, I get a deep fear in the pit of my stomach.
I'm not in control, I know that. I know that I need to entrust him to the Lord...he's not really mine. I think that this week, as hard as it has been in some ways, has taught me that big time. Watching my friend continually offer her baby's care up to the Lord and to TRULY trust in Him and not just say it has challenged me, big time. As I have seen her go through this process this week, I found myself checking on Rusty often. I must have gone into his bedroom at least once every hour in the night to make sure he was still breathing. I must have hugged him a million times more than I normally do. Now, while these things are not necessarily bad, especially the hugs, worrying about him cannot change anything. I want to have the faith and strength that my friend has, and lift Rusty up to God and trust in him to care for my little man.
Last night it all came to a head. I was so overjoyed with the news that the little tyke was breathing on his own, I had finally had a day with Kevin home, I found out that someone I care about had experienced yet another miscarriage, and I discovered that another friend's husband was very ill. I just lost it. I fell into bed, exhausted, and as Kevin started to pray I simply had to stop him. I needed to get all of this off of my chest. I told him about my deep seeded fears, I told him how I was tired of living that way, I cried...a lot. When it was all over, I snuggled up to my husband and prayed with him as he brought all of it before the Lord. When he said Amen, I felt like I had more of a peace.
Little Rusty woke up as soon as the prayer was done, ready to eat. As I snuggled up to him in the peacefulness of night, I felt, for the first time, absolute peace and trust. It was a great feeling. Then, little Rusty slept through the night! He was doing this regularly but about two weeks ago stopped and we have had a tough time with it. Last night, however, he slept from 10 all the way to 5:45 this morning! Then he fed and went back to bed until almost 7! I woke up feeling like a new woman. I have already snuggled with him, read him a few stories from his Bible-a morning tradition for us!-prayed with him, and played with him. The sun is out, it looks like it's going to be a BEAUTIFUL day! Kevin has promised a nice long walk with the little man and I. I am thankful, I am trusting...one step at a time.
The verse that was in Rusty's Children's Bible this morning was an appropriate one for me to read: "Let everything that breathes praise the Lord." Psalm 150:6 I WILL praise the Lord! I'm praising him for the improvement in my friend's baby and continuing to pray. I'm praising him for the amazing blessing of little Rusty. I'm praising him for my wonderful husband, who stands beside me and lifts me up when I am weak. I'm praising him for my great family and wonderful friends. I'm praising him that he is there, he is good!
Although this picture has nothing to do with the post, I had to include it. Look at little Rusty! He is smiling at his dad...yep, he LOVES his dad! When Kevin went in to get Rusty up yesterday he was greeted with a HUGE grin, he was so happy his dad was home! Awww...I love my boys!
What a beautiful writing about your week. I totally relate to you about the fear part. I think some of mine comes from the whole kidnapping thing, but mostly just from being a mom. When you are a mom, you realize how deeply you love your kids, and if you get into fear about them, it can be a dark place. I am so glad you are feeling better. God is in control and we can trust that. Also, just know that if that were you in those situations this week, you also would have been strong like a rock. God gives that strength when we need it. You have been through some things, and I am sure that people were amazed bt your strength too. I love you and so glad the baby is doing better. I have been praying.
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