The Countdown

Ugh. The countdown is on. I feel like this year just flew by and now I'm back to where I used to be. Every summer since I entered school I feel the same way around this time of the year, dread but excitement. Dread to be going back to school/work, but excitement about what this school year will bring. Last year was the exception. Last year at this time I was feeling fear, anticipation, wonder, excitement, and basically I was just waiting for the day I would finally get to see my little baby boy's face!

Now I know that face. I know every curve. I know exactly how soft his cheeks are, I know the gorgeous blue hue of his eyes. I know how his cute little lips curve into a smile, and what they look like when they go into a pout. I know how he furrows his little brow when he is concentrating, or when he is mad. I know how his whole little face crinkles up when he gets hurt, right before the cry breaks through. I know how he squinches up his eyes when he is giggling so hard that he can hardly stand it. I know how I love to kiss his little chin and his cheeks and his forhead and his eyes. I know him. He's my baby, my sweet boy. This year at home has been an amazing gift. I have had the chance to truly get to know my son, and now that I know him I have mixed feelings about going back to work.

I am a little surprised by it. I thought I would have no problem with going back to work, but as I have talked about before, there were a lot of things I THOUGHT I knew or felt before I had Rusty...once he arrived, everything changed. I am excited. I'm excited to get back in the classroom, but I will be substituting, which isn't quite the same as my own classroom, and it's definitely not the same as teaching my little boy new things at home each day!

I feel good about our situation. We got Rusty into a great daycare that is at my husband's work place. He can see the playground from his desk and he is able to go and visit Rusty at lunch or whenever he is needed. We took Rusty there for a tour and he was so excited to see all of the other kids, the toys, etc. I think he will be okay, but I'm still a little sad to think that he will be running to someone else when he gets hurt, that someone else will be feeding him, that someone else will be hearing his little voice all day long.

Why don't I just stay home you ask? I have been asked this question so many times. People see it as such a black and white thing, but it's not. I could stay home if we moved to South Dakota. I We could easily afford to have me staying home, we could own a home, and we could be quite comfortable in that home, but that is not the situation here. We are working hard to save up enough money for a home someday. Sometimes that someday feels really far away and we don't really care. We are happy with where we are at. Sometimes people make comments or ask questions about why we aren't in a home yet, I get tired of it. I feel like right now we have different priorities. We don't want to be a slave to our mortgage. Or, people that got into the housing market years ago, before it skyrocketed also don't understand. They have a mortgage that is less than our monthly rent. It's not the same...it simply isn't. Anyway, all this to say that right now, I have to go back to work. If we ever hope to get into a house, that is my reality. I'm okay with it! I have accepted it! I am okay with it. I just don't want to be judged for it. Every time a little comment is made or another person asks, "Don't you think you guys could make it work to have you stay home?" I feel that judgement and that mommy guilt washes over me.

The countdown is on. I'm feeling the crunch. I feel like I have to cherish every moment that I have with my little man before we all go on to something new this fall. I truly think that he will thrive in daycare. He is a little social butterfly and is always the happiest when he is with a bunch of other kids. He easily goes to other people and although there are times that he gets mommy clingy, they are rare. I know that he will have some adjusting, as will I. I am simply thankful that both Kevin and I will be done with work by 3 or 4 each day and we will still have many hours with our munchkin before he heads to bed at 7:30 or 8. We have the weekends with him, and I will even have a few days here and there where I might not be working and may be able to have a day at home with him. I can't do it often, because I don't want to confuse his routine, but it can happen.

This year has been a wild, crazy, emotional, and fun ride. I thought I knew what being a mom would be like, but it has been so much harder, so much more fun, so much more emotional, so much more rewarding, so much more exciting than I could ever have imagined. Every preconceived notion that I had has been blasted out of the water. I now understand my friends with kids so much better. I now know what it is like to fall completely, insanely in love with a little tiny person in a matter of minutes. I know how it feels to survive on very little sleep for weeks on end. I know what it is like to be woken up to the sound of my little boy babbling in his bedroom. I know what it is like to see my husband loving his son with all of the love that a father can give. It's been a gift. I'm sad to see it end, but I know that good things are still to come. That's the great thing about these little ones...we don't just get them for a year, we get them for life.