Life in the last two years has been interesting. It's been almost two years since I got pregnant, and we have enjoyed just over a year of fun with our little man. It is truly life changing!
Before I became a parent, I had a lot of preconceived notions about being a parent. I thought I knew how things would work, I thought I knew how I would handle things. I really had no idea.
I didn't know how I would function on lack of sleep...now I do. I didn't know how deeply I would be affected by the loss of the two babies, and how much it would affect my relationship with my son...now I do. I didn't know how Kevin and I would handle the changes to our relationship...now I do. I didn't know how my relationship with friends would change...now I do. I didn't know how much I could love such a little person in such a short amount of time...now I do. I could go on and on with this list. In the end it comes down to one simple thing: I didn't know what I thought I knew.
Lack of sleep-let me tell you about this! Every parent tries to warn you about this ahead of time. How I DETESTED hearing people say "enjoy your sleep now, because you won't have it later!" I still hate that, and I try desperately NOT to say it but every now and then I find the thought creeping into my mind when talking to a pregnant friend. SO far I have been able to keep it inside! I didn't realize that I would never again have the need for an alarm clock and I definitely wouldn't be using the snooze button-at least not in the first year of Rusty's life! We are just now getting to the point where he sometimes sleeps in in the morning. The last two days I have worked and yesterday left the house before he woke up and this morning hugged my sleepy boy as I walked out the door. I actually pushed the snooze button on my phone a few times this morning...what a foreign concept. Some people have babies that sleep through the night right away. They praise how well they have done with their baby, but really they need to be praising God that they got a baby like that. I can't complain, Rusty has never been one with BIG sleep issues. He goes to bed with no problem most nights nad sleeps for ten hours most nights-granted, this is with one wake up sometime in the middle of the ten hours, but I'm thinking ten hours is pretty good. Those early days though? Wow, how did I get through them? I truly believe that God gives us a supernatural power to get through the first three or four months of our children's lives. How else could we function somewhat normally on such a small amount of sleep? I realize now how unimportant it is to have those Saturday mornings to sleep until 10 or 11. I have been the MOST impressed with my husband. Prior to Rusty being born he was a man that DEFINITELY needed his 8 hours of sleep a night. He has really adjusted and willingly gets up with Rusty many days...one of his favorite things is to go in right after he has woken up! Oh, what I thought I knew about sleep...before. What I know now? Sleep is overrated...for now anyway! (But I sure do love those Saturday mornings that Kevin lets me sleep in!)
I didn't know how much I would be affected by the loss of the babies, and how much it would affect my relationship with Rusty. Even when he was in the womb, I felt more attached to him and less attached to him all at the same time. More attached because I hoped that he would be the baby that would make it. Less attached because I didn't want to feel that sense of loss all over again if he didn't make it. I remember our many ultrasounds, and how each time I went to one I went with the fear that I would get the news I had received at two other ultrasounds before, that the baby was dead. I don't lose my babies by a miscarriage that is typical, I lose them by going for an ultrasound and finding out that they didn't make it, hence, the fear. This fear crept into my pregnancy with Rusty, and even now with my relationship with Rusty. I find myself constantly giving Rusty up to God, and reminding myself that he was not mine to begin with...rather he is sort of on loan! We have to do the best we can to be the best parents we can to him at this moment, for this amount of time that we have to spend with him. I thank God that he is in control. I know that I cherish moments with Rusty that I might not have if I hadn't been through the losses.
I find that my relationship with my husband has changed dramatically...for the better! I thought that we would be okay. I figured that our time would change. It's been such a journey to go through this land of parenthood together. I find that I love my husband so much more now that I have seen him as a father. I love his commitment to Rusty. I love watching him tickle Rusty and play games with him. I love seeing Rusty greet his dad with a big hug. I love the way that Kevin continually steps up to the plate to help me out. He has never just handed over the parent thing to me. He gets up with me in the night when I have hit my limit. He feeds Rusty, he takes him out for "guy time" so that I can have time to myself. He is a 100% involved parent. He takes care of making Rusty's lunch every day. He can bathe him completely on his own. I can go out with friends and not worry about Rusty one bit. I have yet to spend a night away from Rusty, but not because Kevin couldn't handle it, but because I can't handle it! (We're working up to that, by the way, a date has been set and I will be going somewhere on an overnight girls' weekend SOON!) I find that in our relationship, however, Kevin and I have to be deliberate about getting those moments together. The date nights that used to come at least once a week now fly by and we realized recently how important it is to PLAN them so we don't MISS them. We have realized that we are great parents, and we love being parents, but we also have to remember that we are husband and wife and that we love spending time just the two of us as well! It's so easy, because we love our little guy so much and want to spend time with him, to not realize that it has been weeks since we had a proper date. It's important to have this time. I thought I knew how things would be in our relationship, now I know that it is important to plan things to protect our marriage, that I have an amazing husband that is so encouraging, and that I married a man that is an INCREDIBLE dad!
The friends, oh the friends. Honestly, this is one area that I barely thought about before I had Rusty! I didn't really think that things with friends would change, but oh how they have. I didn't realize how important my son would become to me and how he would trump my friends. I didn't realize how some friends would have a difficult time understanding my life as a mom, and my time constraints and how some things just didn't hold the same level of importance to me as they once did. It's not that I don't love my friends and need them in my life, I just love my son more! I have had to figure out a new balance. I have had to figure out how to say no to some things. I have learned how my husband and my son come first, even if it hurts my friends sometimes. Another thing I didn't realize was how many friends I would make as a new mom! I have formed so many new friendships as a result of life as a new mom. I need these women. They understand my life. I can call them and say "this is what is happening, what would YOU do?" I can call on them at ANY time and know that they will help me if they can, and I would do the same for them. I have had new people come into my life that have become lifelong friends, I'm certain...I didn't know this would happen, I didn't expect this! I'm thankful for this. I need these people in my life to keep me sane. I also still need my friends that were there before, and I'm thankful that they have been able to adjust to this life change with me. What I thought I knew was that things with friends wouldn't change, what I know now is that it is one of the areas of my life that changed the MOST!
The thing that has surprised me the most is the intense love that I have for my son. This little guy came into our lives and totally disrupted our world. He cried and he pooped and he ate and he didn't do much except for lie there and look at us. For some reason, though, we were enamored. We fell completely in love, from the moment we saw him. As he grew, he started to smile, and coo, and stick out his little tongue. Oh, how cute that is! The things that you find joy in with your little one amaze you. We couldn't stop talking about the little faces he could make. Then, the next thing we knew, he was giggling. The first time we heard his giggle our hearts just about stopped. We knew we would do anything to hear it again. As he started to roll over and then crawl, our lives changed even more. He wanted to explore, he was into everything! We loved seeing the world through his eyes. Sometimes, when he is taking something in, you can just see his braing at work, processing everything.
He toddles around, pulling things off of the coffee table, pulling the towels off of the towle rack, leaving little "treasures" for us around the house. (My cousin found a spoiled sippy cup of milk in one of our kitchen cabinets when he was visiting! What a delight!) He is a mischevious little tyke, and when that sneaky grin lights up his face we have to hide our laughter because he is supposed to be "in trouble." He is full of hugs and kisses. He runs to us for a hug when we pick him up after work. He says please with his little hand rubbing back and forth on his chest. He points at what he wants or needs and smiles in glee when we give it to him. He loves to have us read to him. His favorite toy right now is his Little People bus that he drives around and around the kitchen.
When I am away from him, I miss him. I have yet to spend a night away from him, which is NOT how I expected it to be. I thought that I would go away for a weekend with my hubby a few months after he was born. I realized that I didn't WANT to leave him! I'm working up to it, and my best friend and I have planned a girls' getaway in November. I find that I am now looking forward to it, but I know that the next day when I return home I will be so happy to see my boy. Yesterday I was gone from 8 in the morning until 8 in the evening and when I walked through the door and saw my little man there with a big smile waiting for me my heart jumped.
I thought I knew how much I would love him, but I really had no idea! I NOW know that my love for my son will never stop growing!
What I thought I knew before becoming a parent is completely different from what I know NOW. I now know that I can't make any assumptions. I can't expect that things will be a certain way. I can't predetermine plans. I DO know that life is much better than it was before, and I love it!
What a great post! It's fun to read about the inner-workings of your mind.
ReplyDeleteWith me, the lack of sleep, I was totally prepared for it. But that's mostly because I've had sleep issues and insomnia for as long as I can remember.
The loss of your babies, I can't sympathize totally as we've had very different experiences in that regard, but your feelings of being less attached and more attached at the same time totally make sense.
My relationship with my husband is pretty much the same as it was before. With the exception of less alone time. I'm not sure how that happened. He's doing exactly what I expected him to do as a father and I wasn't surprised. I love it though, our journey as parents. It's awesome.
I understand what you mean completely with the friends situation. Our priorities change and our families become much more important.
Oddly enough, my intense love for my son didn't surprise me at all. I expected it and I was looking forward to it!
I'm glad you're planning a girls getaway. You'll have such a great time! RJ has already had dozens of sleep overs at his gramma's house. I miss him like crazy but being alone with my husband is such a gift now!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!
ReplyDeleteIn regards to your hubby....isn't it SO amazing to watch them as dad's? I love how much J LOVES her dad. That makes me love him more too:)