Sick of Sick

I really try hard not to complain.  I always try to look at things and think about how they could be worse and I can always think of something...there is always something.  Even now, I really can think of something that is worse than where we are at right now, but darn it, I'm still exhausted, tired of being sick, and emotional.

Last night was a tough one.  For the third night in a row we were dealing with Rusty fighting a nasty cough.  It is bad.  It shakes his entire body, and sometimes I swear he is hacking up a lung.  Usually, after he has one of these coughing fits, he will lie there and moan for a little bit.  It kills my poor momma heart.  Sometimes, he doesn't even come out of wakefulness, but I do.  I usually end up rushing into his room, helping him up, giving him a sip of water, and snuggling him back to sleep.  If he doesn't wake up, I simply tuck his blanket back around him and rub his back.  It makes for a long night.  Last night's was even longer, when he ended up with a fever of 100 around 4 in the morning.  I finally brought him into my bed and held him, listening to him breathe, for an hour and a half.  His breathing wasn't normal.  The normal sleepy rhythmic whoosh in and out was nowhere to be found.  Instead, I listened to his raspy, wheezy quick breaths.  It made me wish I could trade places with him and bear it for him.

This morning he was ok.  He was his usual sweet self with just a little bit of clingy attitude.  When I put him into Kev's car so they could leave for daycare he started saying, "I want mommy!  I want mommy's car!"  He never does this...most mornings when I leave he waves and says, "Have fun Mommy!"  These mornings are the ones where I leave feeling like a bad mom.  Daycare was ok with having him there.  His fever had dropped, the cough is something he has been dealing with for weeks, we knew it was ok.  They promised to call us if they needed us...but still.  Those bad mom feelings came creeping in.  I actually cried all the way to work.  Seriously.  I couldn't get myself under control.

I know part of it is the fact that I am pregnant.  When I was pregnant with Rusty it seemed like I cried nonstop.  I actually feel surprised at how little I have cried during this pregnancy.  I know part of the crying was the fact that I was really, really, really tired.  Another part of the crying was being in a circumstance that I just want to change.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and the three of us would be healthy, completely well.  No coughs, no fevers, no puking, no wheezy breathing...just well.  Sleeping well, eating well, rested, extra energy...just well. 

I know, I know.  This too shall pass.  There are people much worse off.  There is always something out there that could be more awful, more difficult to bear.  This I know...but still.  I'm just sick of sick.  That's my complaining for the day.  I know that this day will pass, when I get home from work I will probably find a happy Rusty tromping in the door saying, "Mommy, I went to SCHOOL!" with a huge grin on his face, just like he does every other day.  He will probably cough, but smile and chatter away at the same time.  I'll be tired, but I'll head to bed and maybe get a good night of sleep.  Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and this will all be a faint memory, but for today, I'm wallowing.  I'm sick of sick.  Over and out.