the ho hums

I've been feeling a little down lately.  It's been just about a week, actually.  I couldn't really figure out what was going on.  I was tired, sad, mopey, short on patience, irritable, and just generally down.  It is hard to explain, I sort of felt like this weight was just pressing down on my chest, like a dreary, dark cloud was just hanging over my head.

In my mind, I knew that it made absolutely no sense at all.  I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful boys, incredible friends and family...I should be singing and doing the happy dance all of the time...but I simply wasn't.  Night after night I discussed it with Kevin during our prayer and devotional time.  I wanted to escape, I was trying, but I just couldn't.

Last night, it came to a head.  I was so tired of it.  In the middle of the night I woke up to feed Rocky and I started wondering, could it be postpartum depression?  I know that it can hit anytime within the first year after your baby is born, and I was really starting to wonder.  I just sat there, holding him and praying.  Begging God to take this darkness from me.

This morning, I woke up and my soul had sunshine.  I was not immediately grumpy.  I wanted to hug Rusty to no end.  I was singing to Rocky.  I had myself back.  When I breathe, I don't feel that awful weight pressing on my chest.  I don't feel that cloud following me around the house.  I feel like...myself.

I don't know what happened.  Just to clarify, I NEVER felt like I wanted to harm myself or my children, in fact their little smiles and chatter were getting me through it, but I can easily see how people can run into a downward spiral of depression.  I wanted to write about it.  I think we don't share these things enough.  As I was going through it, there were people helping me out.  My husband, every single day he prayed with me, he took the brunt of my impatience, he was even more helpful with things than he usually is.  He was just there.  My friend Sunny, she listened when I poured out my heart to her via email, and then sent me pictures of her own messy house just to remind me that everyone is living in their own messes and hey, it's okay!  It made me smile and laugh.  My friend Serenity prayed for me, I am sure without ceasing, and checked in with me often.  They were there.  On Monday night our good friends came over for dinner and didn't care that our house was messy and made us laugh and she listened to me say I didn't understand what was going on and said she had experienced the same things.  All of these people were just there.

I don't know why I suddenly feel okay today.  I know that some of it is prayer, but I am not going to preach here about saying that if you are feeling depression you should just pray and it will all go away.  I have some people that are very dear to me that go through serious depression and need the help of doctors and sometimes medical intervention to help them.  I think that God gives those doctors that wisdom just to help them.  I was just about ready to get some of that help myself.  I wanted to write about it so that people know...they know that they are not alone!  I want them to know that other people go through this.  I want them to know that it is okay to ask for help, maybe even medical help!

I feel like sometimes we pressure ourselves to be perfect...especially those of us that are moms.  There is such a comparison game and we feel like we have to always be living up to this impossible standard, we aren't REAL with each other.  The people that I mentioned above, and some others in my life, they are real with me.  That is why I can connect with them.  I can tell them when I'm having a bad day, or even a bad week and feel like life is spiraling out of control and I know that they will not judge me, they will not make me feel worse.  They will simply ask how they can be there and how they can help. 

I am pretty certain now that my ho-hums had to do with the change in the weather.  When I moved up here it took me awhile to get used to the dreary, grey and rainy winters.  After feeling like we had a bit shorter summer than normal I think this surprise and sudden grey and rain threw me for a loop.  Now my system is adjusting again, and saying it is okay.  But in an odd way, I am thankful for this past week.  It is a reminder to me of how many people deal with this on a consistent basis, and how very difficult it must be for them.  It gave me some more understanding and compassion.  It was a reminder, I need to be real, and be THERE, for them.  I hope you can do the same.