Adversity Shows Character

We've had some difficult times in the last few days. I debated on whether to post about it or not, because it is very personal. I finally decided, though, that I had to post about how good God really is. He has been a very real, very strong presence in my life the past few days, and how could I not praise him in this!? How could I not let others know how amazing he truly is?

I had a miscarriage on Saturday. It was and still is heartbreaking. We were at that point where we thought it was safe to tell our friends and family and to be excited and make plans. I was getting excited in my mind about the future. I was mentally planning the baby's room, picking out names, thinking about going on walks with other mommy friends during my year of maternity leave, and sharing the excitement with friends and family.

On Friday night, I knew something was wrong. The ultrasound on Saturday confirmed it. Our little one was no longer with us. I think I was on autopilot. As the doctor gave us the news, I just said, "Okay, okay. All right. Thanks." We walked out of the office, Kevin grabbed my hand, and the tears came. Honestly, the news didn't surprise me. I think in my heart I already knew. I think God had prepared me for it on Friday night, when I was awake with the waiting and the worry. It still hurt though, oh it hurt more than words can express.

Over the next few days, God became more real to me than ever. I have always had a strong faith, but it is proving to be even stronger now. Our God is a big God. He knows what is happening in our lives, and he knows the reasons for which these things happen.

The verse that we had at our wedding was Jeremiah 29:11-13.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

This verse has suddenly become even more dear to my heart. God has sustained our needs. He knows what our baby needed. He knew that it needed to be with him. He has drawn close to Kevin and I in this time and given us strength that we didn't know we had. We have called upon him and he has listened. We are seeking him and we are finding him

On Sunday night Kevin and I were talking. I have always had troubles with trusting God with his plan for my life, and we have often prayed about that very thing. I get these big plans for my life, and I expect God to follow along with them, even though my past experiences tell me that He knows the best thing for me. Often it is the opposite of what my plans tend to be. As we were talking that night, I shared with Kevin that this is teaching me to trust God in a new way. I felt as though I was drawing closer to that point of being able to give everything up to him and trust him with the results. I said that this excited me, because you often wonder how you will react when your faith is tested.

Kevin replied with the statement, "Well, adversity shows character, Stace." It made my heart melt, and I began to cry. In a nutshell, he had stated what I hoped to be portraying. Does my heart hurt? Yes, oh yes. So much more than I ever thought possible. Do I miss my baby? I do, already, and I didn't even really know it. I miss that I will not even know for sure whether it was a girl or a boy, although I strongly feel that it was a girl. I miss realizing that I will never get to see my baby go to her first day of school. I will never see her graduate from high school. I will never be there for the first date, the scraped knees, the first smiles, the tears, the giggles, and the sorrows. I will never watch my baby get married, or have children. Those things sadden me. They make me feel great sorrow.

On the other hand, these words from my sister's friend brought me great comfort:

"Yes, my heart is hurting. I miss my baby, I miss the tea parties we'll never have...the birthday parties that will never be...the graduations, wedding and grandchildren that will never be. But I know, I will NEVER have to wonder late at night...where is she? Is she safe? Is she warm? Hungry, tired, hurt? Is she doing something she shouldn't do? Has something happened to her? Will she accept the Lord as her Savior? Will I teach her how to love Jesus right? She loves Jesus, and is already sitting at His feet, totally happy, totally healthy and totally praising Him, safe."

Those are the words that comfort me. My baby is okay...she is loved, and cared for. She is happier than I ever could have made her. God had a plan for her before she was even created. He knew exactly how many days she would have. I thank God that I got to experience being pregnant for even the short time that I did. I praise him that I got to see my baby and hear her heartbeat. I thank God that he showed me that my body can grow a baby, for that brings me hope for the future. I thank God that this adversity has shown me what I always wondered...my faith is strong, real and very present. My God is beside me every step of the way. He will not fail me. He is stronger than I am. He never gives me more than I can bear...with Him.

I also thank God for the family he has given us. Our family has gathered around us in this time and showered us with prayer and support. I'm not just talking about our immediate family, but also our extended family in Christ. All of our sisters and brothers have offered up petitions on our behalf. We have received baked goods, flowers, prayers, and numerous e-mails of support. God has shown me how blessed we are to have such amazing friends and family.

On Saturday, as I called three of my closest girlfriends to tell them what happened, they all offered to drop everything that they were doing to come to be with me. What a blessing! I have had friends from work doing everything that they can to make sure that my classes are continuing on, even without me there. I have had one friend that has driven miles out of her way to deliver my work to me at home. Some of our best friends opened their home to us on Saturday night to spend hours with us. They helped us go through the emotions of it, but they also told us funny stories that made us laugh so hard that my mouth hurt by the end of the night

Yes, adversity shows character. This adversity has shown me that God is big and real in my life. It has shown me the amazing character that my friends have in their care of me. It has shown me how much my family loves me in their offers to fly thousands of miles to be with me if I needed them and the tight hugs and words of love from the family we have here. It has shown me what an amazing, Godly, and caring husband I have with his prayers, his backrubs, his arms around me during tears, and his jokes that make me laugh when I need it.

Although I am sad, and I know that I will be for awhile, I also thank God and rejoice in all that he does in our lives, for he knows the plans that he has for us. We are calling upon him and he is answering that call. I thank my God for his steadfastness, for his love never changes.