My Perception of Me

Who am I? Who am I really? When I look at myself, do I see the same person that other people see? Do my inner thoughts reflect who I seem to be on the outside? Am I really who people think that I am emotionally, physically and spiritually? I'm not so sure. I think that I am evolving, and my perception of myself is constantly changing. I think I like the way that it is changing now. My insides are finally beginning to match the shell that I present on the outside. It's been a sometimes difficult, and always reflective journey to find this version of me.

I am a girl that looks in the mirror and does not always see this face. Some days, my insecurities get the best of me. I do not see the face above looking back at me. Instead I see too many pimples, or cheeks that seem fat to me. I see a nose that isn't quite right or eyes that hold no confidence in them. I see grease on my face, or that my teeth aren't quite white enough or straight enough and a smile that doesn't stretch all the way to my eyes. I look in the mirror and see that I didn't quite apply my makeup quite right, or that the red spot that seemed so small yesterday now seems like a volcano that is erupting. There are days when I find it hard to believe my husband when he tells me I'm beautiful. Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else see me this way?

When I think about my body I do not always think of this: I do not see this body that is capable of running for several miles or biking around the seawall. I don't see how much work I can put it through and have it still wake up ready to take me through the same rounds again the next day. Instead, some days when I look in the mirror I still see this: I still see that girl that couldn't run half a mile, let alone several. It makes me think that I am not capable of reaching my goals, even though I have reached goals that I never even set.

It makes me forget how blessed I am to have a body that works at all. I feel like I am a failure, and one little slip-one forgotten trip to the gym, one sneak of a cookie or chocolate, one big lunch or sugary drink too many-makes me feel like all of the good that I have done for my body is obsolete.

When I think of my intellectual capabilities, it sometimes slips my mind that I graduated with high honors. I forget the fact that I earned a scholarship for university. I forget that I am capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation. I do not remember that my mind is capable of helping to solve problems, and that my heart longs to heal the hurts of others. Instead, when a person looks at me the wrong way, or speaks a bit more eloquently than I do, I shrink back and think of myself as unworthy of being in their company. I allow myself to feel belittled and often I put thoughts into my own mind that others may not be thinking at all.

Sometimes I feel like a spiritual failure. Maybe I have not had quiet time with God, or maybe I forgot to or decided not to spend time in prayer. I compare myself to those around me and it so often seems that spiritually, they have it all together. I see their walk with God as super strong, and I wonder why I can't get it together enough to have my time with Him each day. I hear their strong prayers and wonder why I can't speak so eloquently to God. I see their strong faith in trials and think of how weak I am. And then, I am suddenly surprised.

Today I was having a conversation with a good friend that added to my changing perception of myself, and maybe brought that perception a bit closer to what other people see. We were talking about what we are capable of handling, and I said that I had surprised myself with how I handled the miscarriage. I was telling her of how scared I was to lose the baby the entire three months that I was pregnant. I thought about how I didn't think I would be able to handle that kind of stress and loss, yet I surprised myself. I really realized how God shows up and asks us to let Him handle it for us. It was a defining moment in my life. I told her that I realized that I was stronger and had a stronger faith than I had realized. She commented that she never would have thought that I would be weak, or unable to hand a situation, because she thought I was one of the strongest and bravest people that she knew. It surprised me to hear her say that, and it got me to thinking.

Who do other people see when they look at us? Does everyone play the same comparison game that I play? Does everyone often feel that they just don't measure up to some invisible bar that they have put above themselves? Do I truly believe that God loves me, just as I am? I mean, He created me after all!

He made me with all of my unique Stacy quirks. He gave me those cheeks that I often loathe, because He thought that they would look good on me. He gave me that strong chin that I used to hate, but now love because it is just like my dad's and reminds me that I am his daughter. God blessed me with my intellectual ability, however low or high it may be and I should thank Him that I can read, write, and even do some math!

God made my body, and I am thankful for it. Although I do not have the flattest stomach in the world, I can walk, and run, and even jump in those crazy moments when I feel the excitement! I can dance to the tunes that make me want to move. My body may not be that perfect size 6 or 4 or 2 or whatever the magical perfect size is these days, but it is mine. My hair might not always look perfect. Maybe some days I don't wear the most fashionable clothes. But I'm warm and well cared for.

Each night I go to bed under a warm duvet and snuggle up next to my husband. I hear his breath whooshing in and out of his body and feel comforted, and loved. My days are filled with love from friends and family through e-mails, phone calls, hugs, and long chats in the hallway. I was reminded of this with every person that offered to drop everything and be with me as I went through a difficult time. Every day I wake up and have the opportunity to go and spend these amazing moments with students that allow me to attempt to mold their minds for a few minutes each day. As I have devotions with my classes, and watch a young man's faith flourish before my eyes, I am reminded that God does not ask us for perfection. Instead, He asks us to put our hands into his. He asks us to trust Him, even when it seems the most difficult.

I did that. Over the past month I have trusted Him in a way I never thought possible. Ever since I graduated from high school I have waited for that magical moment when I would suddenly grow up and feel like an adult. I waited for that time when I would trust Him enough to let it all go.

It has always sort of felt like I was playing house. It always seemed that high school was not so long ago, and I often seemed to be waiting for the next phase of my life to begin, rather than simply enjoying the phase of life that I am in.

I usually played the comparison game. In high school I compared my sports abilities with those around me and wished that I could dribble a basketball just a little bit better or run around the track just a little bit faster. I also loathed my body and wished for the perfection that I seemed to see in my best friend. I envied her easy way with people and the way that her smile seemed to light up a room.

In university I wished that I was just a bit more eloquent and could express my thoughts as smoothly as many of my classmates seemed to. I wished to be more outgoing so that I could be the life of the party and fill everyone around me with laughter.

Once I moved on and got a job and made "adult" friends I compared my abilities at my job with other teachers around me. Why didn't I always have my lesson plans done a week ahead of time? Why couldn't I put together more fantastic units that would be noticed by the administration? Why was I always behind in my marking?

As I got married, I played the "house" comparison game. I watched others around me and even far away from me having kids, buying houses, and adopting pets. I wondered if I was abnormal...if maybe I should be moving through life at a quicker pace. I wanted my life to be picture perfect and to seem to everyone like I had it all together.

Then, I realized something. I had a "growing up" moment. One of the things I feared the most happened to me, and I did not break down. I did not lose it. No one saw me as imperfect. No one expected anything heroic of me. Especially God. What He did expect was for me to put my hand in His. He gently asked me to let Him handle things. He brought the exact right people into my life at the exact moment that I needed each of them. He nudged our friends into having us over for pizza and a night of laughter on a night when I had just learned devastating news and was feeling great sorrow. He gave my husband that perfect joke and silly face at the moment that I most needed to laugh. He reminded my friend to call me at that very moment that I felt so alone and needed a shoulder to cry on. He allowed me to be strong, with his help.

Yes, that grown up moment opened my eyes. It made me realize that I do not have to be the picture of perfection. I do not always have to have everything perfectly arranged. There may be days when my hair is a mess. There may be moments that I cry in front of someone that I want to show strength to. There may be times when I am grouchy, or don't have it all together...but that's okay. I am evolving. My perception of myself is changing. I am realizing that this incredible love that I have for people is a good thing, and something that I need to nourish. I love people! They are God's greatest creation. I love sunsets, puppy dogs, and lilies, but I love people more. I want my life to make a difference! I want God to use me to impact people. The only way that I can do that is through being real and allowing God to work through me, even in my icky moments when my face feels greasy and I'm a little bit out of sorts.

I'm thankful for that difficult moment in my life, because even though it hurt and still hurts, it taught me to trust Him in a new way. Learning that trust, and being in that comforting place with God is the only place I want to be. Now when I look in the mirror, I can stop seeing all my blemishes and mistakes and shortcomings and instead I can simply see me. The same me that everyone else sees. The me that God created and said "This is good" about. The real me.