Motherhood

This journey of motherhood is not always easy, I have to admit. Rusty is a great baby...it's not his fault, but sometimes I wonder if I'm doing a good job.

First of all, there's the feeding. I have a good problem, in that I produce way too much milk. I know, I know...a lot of other people say they have this problem, but I can sit down and pump on ONE side and get 6-8 ounces, from one side. Therefore, when Rusty first starts to feed the milk comes gushing in and he coughs and sputters and takes in air. This then causes him to have bad gas. I have tried everything. I have fed him lying on my side, I have burped him frequently throughout the feeds, I have hand expressed some...all to no avail. Now, I know that it is better to have this problem than the problem of not enough milk, but it's been tough. I keep trying to make it work, but I think that today I finally threw in the towel. I'm going to just pump and feed him from the bottle. In some ways, this makes me really sad. I love having his little body snuggled up to me. I love the convenience of always having the milk "ready to go." However, it's just not working. He is so uncomfortable all of the time. Plus, he's getting too much of the "foremilk," which is the first bit and makes them gassy. Bottle feeding will give him a better mix.

I know, I know...he's still getting breastmilk, but in some ways I feel like I have failed. I tried to make it work. I tried going off of dairy for a week, thinking maybe that was the problem but no. I'm ready to try this and hopefully this will do the trick. I do know that he seems to feed better from the bottle. He sucks it down! There is none of the on and off again routine that we have had with him feeding from the breast. He seems to get the milk better. I just hope my supply keeps up and that he is okay. I like that he will still be getting the breastmilk, just in a different manner. Oh, the conflicting emotions.

I also wonder about sleeping. He's a good baby, he goes to sleep at night in a couple of hour stretches, but lately has started waking up at 4 for a feeding and not going back to sleep. It's not because he is crying, but just so uncomfortable that he can't lie down in his bassinet. If I am able to hold him upright in the recliner he sleeps, but that is the only way. I don't want to create a situation where he is dependent on me holding him to sleep, but I don't think that is the case because he sleeps fine with the last and middle feedings of the night, just not the early morning one. Again, I feel like a failure.

Then, there is naps. I KnOW that he needs sleep during the day but the kid doesn't nap! He is so alert...so many people have commented on this, what an alert baby he is, but he has a hard time with naps. Instead of napping for an hour or two, he will take just a half hour or maybe forty-five minute nap. I don't know what to do about this. The only way to get him to sleep longer is again, to hold him. I don't want to deprive him of much needed sleep by not doing that, but again, it's a double edged sword.

He's a happy baby. He flirts, smiles, coos...he's so social. He always wants to know what is going on around him and is so alert. He only really cries when he is REALLY hungry, but I know that he's not as happy as he could be.

Don't worry, I'm not depressed or anything, I just feel like maybe I'm not doing things quite right. There are so many different methods, so much advice, and I'm such a keener. I was always a good student. I read a lot. I can read something and remember it forever...this is maybe doing me poorly in this situation. I have read so many different theories and methods, that I don't know what to do! I feel lost and confused. I just want to do what's best for Rusty...hopefully he is doing well in spite of me.

He seems to be a content, well-fed, and pretty well adjusted baby...I just hope he's getting everything he needs. I just love him so much. This motherhood thing is tough. I'm glad that Rusty has such a great DAD. Kevin is amazing with him, and so helpful to me. That is one of the benefits of this bottle thing. Kevin can do a few feedings, which gives me a little bit of a break from time to time. We'll see how things go...I just know this, I love Rusty more than I thought possible.