Waiting...and learning

Sometimes in life, little things come our way that make us question who we are, what we believe, what the core of our being is.  That sounds wrong, I don't question the core of my being-I know that I am rooted in Christ-but perhaps what I am questioning is WHO I AM in Him.  Maybe a situation comes up where you have to question yourself.  I am forced to take a look at my life, to analyze it and to wonder what my perception of myself is and what others' perceptions of me are.  I ask questions of my friends, my husband, my family.  I think, I reflect.  This is one of those times.

I have had a situation come up that caused me to take a step back and wonder who I really am.  I don't always like what I see when I answer that question.  The situation has caused some pain and hurt, but it has also been good for me.  I think with every moment like this that comes up in life we have to use it as an opportunity to say, "What am I doing with my life and who am I living it for?"

I know that I'm not perfect.  That much has become very clear. I know that I am selfish.  Sometimes I want to do things only for me.  I want to sleep late simply because I want to.  I want to sit on the couch and watch a tv show because it is what will make me happy.  I want to avoid the computer, the phone, anything that gets me in touch with the outside world because for a bit of time I want to be wrapped up in myself.  I was just telling Kevin last night that there have been moments in my life where I really want to just cut off all contact with everyone for a week and just be alone.  But for me, that's selfish.  It's not really who I am.  Sometimes those selfish tendencies come out.  I'm not saying it is wrong to do that.  Sometimes people really do need that, but sometimes it can also be used as an excuse. 

At my core, I'm a giver.  I give sometimes to the detriment of myself.  I love my family and my friends.  I pour myself into them and do the best that I can to let them know I care, but sometimes...I fail.  Lately has been one of those times.  My life is busy.  I know that can be used as an excuse sometimes, and I admit that I HAVE used it as an excuse at moments.  It can be a crutch to lean upon when we are feeling that selfishness that has us wanting to curl up on the couch when we know we should probably be checking up on a friend, but it also doesn't mean that we are not still a person that cares and loves.  Lately I have been pretty caught up in my own life.  I've been figuring out the working mom thing.  I've been learning how to juggle piles of marking, planning lessons, and trying to be with my family.  I'm trying to nuture my relationship with God.  In the middle of all of that, some people have gotten a little bit lost in the shuffle.  I'm not making excuses and saying it is right, but what I am saying is that it is reality.

I've been able to touch base with some of my friends, but not all of them.  Most of my friends have been overly gracious, and have even reached out to care for me when I don't necessarily deserve it.  In some cases though, the hurt has been stronger than the bond that we had, and now we are at a crossroads.  I have to figure out where to go from here, what to do when accused of something that I did not see. Do I react in anger?  Perhaps that is the first reaction.  However, after taking time to think I need to react in peace and love.  I need to do the best I can to bridge the gap, even though my heart is hurting so badly.  I need to try to see where I have done wrong, to honestly seek God and ask him that question, "Please show me what I have done, please show me if I have done wrong, please guide me in how to proceed."  That is the heart of me.  That is who I really am. 

I'm a person that makes mistakes.  I'm a person that is sometimes selfish.  I'm a person that sometimes chooses what is the easiest for me, but maybe not the best for everyone else.  However, I am also a person with rights and feelings as well.  I have strength and integrity.  I am rooted in Christ, and He is in me.  I ask Him to guide me, I try to do what is right in HIM.  I work hard to connect with many people in my life...maybe sometimes too many.  Sometimes I let the other people in my life become more important than God and my own family.  I see myself trying to go out for coffee several nights a week to connect with friends when really my son is saying, "I miss you, Mommy," and needing me at home.  I realize that maybe have been able to connect with this person or that person, but my husband and I have not sat and talked about life for several days.  It's the balance, the balance that I must work out.  I need to figure out where to go.

This situation hasn't been easy, but it has caused in me a lot of reflection.  It has made me realize that I need to have firm boundaries to let people know what I can and cannot do and who I actually am.  It has made me realize that I need to not use crutches and excuses so readily.  It has made me think about the time that I spend and how I spend it.  It has made me think about who God is to me and what his role is in my life.  It has been both difficult and good.  I'm hoping for a resolution.

This morning on the way to work I was thinking about the situation and trying not to cry.  My heart was hurting, struggling for the answer.  I was praying and asking God for wisdom, for guidance, and for peace.  Then a song came on the radio.  It is called "Healing Hand of God" by Jeremy Camp.  I started to really listen to the words and one line from the song struck a deep chord in me.  It said:

He has walked the road before me, he knows just how I feel

When you feel that there's not anyone, who understands your pain
Just remember all of Jesus's suffering

I was so struck by that because I actually heard the words.   I thought about them.  I was struggling and I was in pain and I felt like I wasn't sure what to do.  Then the lines of that song washed over me and I remembered...Jesus has been there.  He has struggled more than I ever will.  He understands.  He knows.  I need to remember that.  When I got to work I was reading through my Bible and found the passage from Psalm 27.  It reminded me as well that God is my light and my salvation.  He is there and wants to bring us through the storms of life.  I often say that Jesus walks beside us in difficult times, but I forget that he went through difficult times of his own, many of them more difficult than I will ever know, so he understands and he can give me peace and guidance...if I let him.  I need to call to Him in the first place so that He CAN hear my voice.  I need to seek him so that he can give me the opportunity to see him.  I need to ask him to teach me and guide me so that I can see what his will is.  I need to wait for him and be strong and let him take the lead.  That's what I need to do.

I'm going to try.  I'm going to try to work harder to let him lead.  Maybe that will help me to be the person that God really wants me to be.  Maybe it will help me to figure out this balance, to be able to let all of the people in my life know that I care about them, while still maintaining sanity of my own and a place that is my own in Him.  In the end, I have to do what he asks me to do, and then leave it up to him and wait in him.  Wait for the "goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."  Psalm 27: 13b-14