Reflection and Working on the List

This is a two part post...one part reflection, one part updates on the 101 Things List.  The two items don't really go together, yet I don't want to post twice, so here goes.

This morning a dear friend sent me a reminder that today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day and let me know she was thinking of me.  She's sweet, and has been through a few losses of her own.  It meant a lot to me that she would think of me and our little babies on a day like this.  It's interesting, because it isn't something that is talked about a lot.  In a way, who really wants to talk about it?  If you have been through it, there are moments that you want to talk about it, but usually, you just push forward and continue on with life.  Everyone goes through hard things in life, and losing babies is one of those things that you get through.  This message really hit me this morning though, for a particular reason.

Our very first baby would be almost three.  That sweet little one, the one whose pregnancy I naively enjoyed for 13 weeks, was due on October 18th.  I remember it so clearly, especially because that is my dad's birthday.  I remember hoping so much that the baby actually would be born on its due date...but it wasn't to be.  That sweethart is in heaven now, with two other siblings.  I like to think of them up there keeping each other company, waiting for us to join them some day.

It's strange to think that I would have an almost three year old.  We would be busily prepping for a birthday party, celebrating another year of life.  We would probably have two kids by now, as that seems to be the way things go.

I still can't say that it is wrong.  I know that God had and has a plan.  I know that I can't imagine my life without Rusty, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be in it if we had had that baby.  I know that God has used that situation in my life in such amazing ways.  I know that I have changed for the better.  Yet, sometimes, on days like this I still think about that baby...and I wonder.  What would that child be like?

Now that I have a toddler that is full if life and joy, I wonder.  Would that baby have been a jokester?  Would it have been a boy or a girl?  I think it was a girl.  I was convinced of it, and still believe that to this day.  I wonder, what would the baby have looked like?  Would that baby have been as sweet and loving as our little Rusty is?  I guess some day I will find out.  I look forward to that day.  In the meantime, I remember and I am thankful.  I am thankful for the bouncing little boy that makes us laugh every single day and I am thankful for the sweet baby that I feel kicking within.  I am so thankful that I have these opportunities to be a mom.  It could have not happened.  I am thankful.  How could I possibly be anything else?

On a lighter note, I'm still working away on that list!  Yesterday I tackled the first part of #24.  Try a new recipe once a week for a month.  When visiting my friend Andrea awhile back, I enjoyed the most amazing ginger carrot soup and had been wanting to try my hand at it for some time.  I've been thinking lately a lot more about making things from scratch, and she had given me the recipe.  Since yesterday was one of the first days I felt somewhat normal in quite some time, I went for it.  I had all of the ingredients:  fresh carrots, ginger, celery, onion, and chicken stock.  I chopped, I sauteed, and I boiled and then pureed.  I thought the result was delicious!  Kevin, not so much.  He didn't even finish the bowl. I'm not offended, because I figured he might not like it, but I was surprised to find that Rusty liked it!  I didn't give him any last night, but I had given him some for daycare today and the cup came home empty!  Overall, I was happy with it, and I think I would make it again, if only to freeze for myself to eat on times when I am home alone.  I'm not sure what recipe I will make next week!  If you have any ideas, send them my way...I'd like it to be from scratch and something relatively easy.