I just want to run...

I really, really want to run.  I tried tonight, for the first time in over a year.  It was going awesome, until about 20 minutes in when my knee locked up...again.

This is an ongoing issue.  I've been dealing with it since before Rusty was born in 2008.  I had started running a lot, doing a few races, etc.  I enjoyed it so much.  It was a way for me to be alone and clear my head, but then the knee factored in. 

I was in a car accident in 1993 or 94 that messed up my knee.  I didn't really have proper treatment for it and I am wondering if it is coming into play now.  Back in 2009 I saw a specialist and he prescribed a lot of physiotherapy.  I had really high hopes, which I expressed here.  My hopes were dashed though.  After months of intensive therapy I tried to run-on my therapists ok-for the first time and found myself right back at square one.  I was just about to go to a different specialist when I found out I was pregnant with Rocky, so we put it on hold.  I am hoping I can get in again, and soon.  I really need something to be done.

It's not just running either, it is walking down hills, sometimes swimming, and other forms of activity.  I like to be fit and active.  When I started the run tonight it felt almost as if my body was thanking me for getting back at it, so having this knee that refuses to bend is sooo frustrating to me.  I just want to run.  I am also extremely jealous.  I have a lot of friends and family that have gotten into running lately and I am constantly seeing their feeds on Facebook.  Every time I do it reminds me that I can't do what I long to be doing.  Tonight when I was out there on that trail, listening to my music, I felt this crazy calm come over my body and I just felt in the zone and peaceful.  Oh how I miss that.  I have not found it in any other form of exercise.  I LOVE yoga, and I can find that calm there, but the running, it helps me to beat my frustrations out on the path. 

I hope that I can get there soon.  I really, really just want to run.